How do I even begin writing?
My last post was on 12th May 2018. It has been more than a month since many things happened. Roughly, I am still working and will be taking my degree in September (Out-of-Campus-Learning-Programme).
My mother has been sick since March, having cough and chest pain lasting around 3 months. Now, she has already surrendered herself to the ER many times, getting warded as well, but the end result is the same, there’s nothing wrong with her, as what the doctor claimed. Medications were given as a painkiller. First of all, let me ask you, who would think that consuming a painkiller for a long term sounds like you’re getting healthy? Exactly.
I wouldn’t go into details with you as it’ll be a very long post if I were to do so. Long story short, I brought my mum to another GH, going in-and-out for about a month, later she was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Lung cancer patients are always diagnosed at a later stage, which I think we should improve for early detection. During this period, I go back and forth from Klang to KL, almost every night, to visit my mum when she was warded. A cancer patient has to be referred for further treatments at the National Cancer Institute to get the latest scan of where it had spread, and to discuss what can be done. My mother was warded again the same day of her clinic appointment. A week later, the doctor called me while I was working, to inform me that my mother’s condition had already entered stage 4. I cried hard at the office and few of my colleagues calmed me down.
I see everything, every inch of my mother’s body, physically and mentally deteriorating, and it really took a toll on myself too. Because of the stress I am facing both with work and my mother’s health, my acne decided to make a comeback. On top of everything else, of course my acne hadddd to make an appearance just to see whether I can handle more stress 🙄
I always prayed to God, that when the time comes between deciding on taking me or my mum first, let it be my mum and make it quick. I sound heartless I know. God answered one of my prayers, He took my mum first on 26th Ramadhan or 11th June 2018 but he did not make it quick. It is a torture for me seeing my mum suffer.
Life was mostly hell and some part are heaven for my mum, and I wanted to take away all of the pain of losing from her, put them all on my shoulder instead of hers, and let her suffer no more. My uncle, aunt, and I was there with her every night when the doctor from Palliative Care told us that she is left with hours or days. The day death came, I was beside her along with my aunt. She passed away in peace and I do mean it, as her face was so calm, so serene, and she looked like she was smiling. A slow death is a torture or so I thought, but it was actually a preparation for all of the closest family members. My aunt broke down the most. I thought I was strong, assuming I am prepared for this, but I am just slower in accepting the reality. About a day or two after my mother’s burial, I cried while I’m driving, and especially when I finally go home, realizing how lonely I felt, hearing nothing but the sound that I made.
I sat in my room, I sobbed and moaned, feeling so lost and lonely. Healing won’t be easy. Honestly, I’m avoiding from thinking of any memories, listening to her voice notes, looking at her pictures, because I know I will breakdown again, and I’m afraid it will affect my mental health. Her cancer was advanced and it happened so fast. I am just glad that she went away in Ramadhan and her burial process were smooth from beginning till the end. I hope we all can find our strength and accept what has been written by Him.
I miss you more than anything mami. I am now empty and can never be whole again without you.