Mami

My mum and I; always just the two of us since I was born.

Now she’s gone. Forever. Did you know that I only learned to sleep in my own bedroom when I was 15 years old? Before that, I slept with my mum the entire time. I had the typical scared-of-the-monster-under-my-bed thing going on back then. I also had known a long time ago, that if one day my mum passes away, I will be truly alone. At a young age, the idea of living alone sounds very exciting. I regret for having such ideas now.

Everybody assumed I am a strong person, seeing how calm I am at my mother’s burial, and how accepting I am of her illness when it all started, sadly, I thought so too. Turns out, I am much slower in digesting the facts. I realized how shattered I am inside only after I tried doing my daily chores, and to not see or hear my mum at all.

In my previous post, I told you how hard it is for me to come home alone after her burial, not hearing any sound but the ones I made. My aunt and her little family stayed with me during my whole 14 days of compassionate leave given by my boss. Today, she returned home as I started working. I don’t expect to live with my aunt or uncle as they have their own family and problems to deal with, plus I do prefer living alone after all. I did an overtime to settle some of my work I left behind, and then I went for a grocery shopping before I go home. Walking through the aisle in Tesco, I realized I will only buy groceries for myself, and no longer for my mum. My selection this time includes 3 bags of Twisties, 2 packs of Maggi, and 1 pack of frozen crab balls–which shouts unhealthy. I usually spend a long time in the Organic aisle thinking of what healthy stuff I can buy for my mum. Now I can’t do that anymore.

Driving home knowing that there’ll be no one waiting for me, no more rushing to Hospital Serdang to visit her, and no more hearing of her voice calling my name….broke me. As I cooked dinner, I remember how my mum always cook something for herself after work, but I’ll be in my room scrolling through Instagram etc and then I’ll hear a knock on my door and her shouting my name–which was expected as she brought me a plate of what she cooked. I ate in my room while she ate at the kitchen table. I regret not spending time with her, even when it’s filled with awkward silence from the both of us.

At this point, I tried so hard to not cry and I distracted my mind with other stuff. I quickly open my laptop and browse through Netflix. He’s Just Not That Into You is my choice tonight. I thought of turning down the volume as I wouldn’t want to disturb my mum sleeping. Silly me. Oh how I cried hard at the end of the movie, thinking how I can never be loved by others like how my mother did to me, thinking how alone I am right now. I was quite okay at work today, but I shatter as soon as I arrive home.

See, there is a difference between living alone but knowing your parent/s is alive and living alone but realizing your parent/s is dead. The latter changes you. My mum is my whole family, I don’t have anyone else. I am not that close with my aunt’s or uncle’s side. How many siblings you have? Or do you still have both living parents? Imagine one day all of them gone, forever. You came home not seeing the sight of them ever again. That’s how I feel. The appreciate-them-while-they’re-alive sounds super cliche but I really do emphasize it this time. It is the littlest, simplest thing that you do together today, that will be missed once they’re no longer with you.

I also realized how selfish I am back then, thinking only of my feelings and problems, but not my mother’s. Everything I did that hurt her comes from me being selfish and my endless living in my small bubble. So I beg you, appreciate and spend time with your loved ones before God takes them away………… your ego is nothing but your soul dying.

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Hours or days

How do I even begin writing?

My last post was on 12th May 2018. It has been more than a month since many things happened. Roughly, I am still working and will be taking my degree in September (Out-of-Campus-Learning-Programme).

My mother has been sick since March, having cough and chest pain lasting around 3 months. Now, she has already surrendered herself to the ER many times, getting warded as well, but the end result is the same, there’s nothing wrong with her, as what the doctor claimed. Medications were given as a painkiller. First of all, let me ask you, who would think that consuming a painkiller for a long term sounds like you’re getting healthy? Exactly.

I wouldn’t go into details with you as it’ll be a very long post if I were to do so. Long story short, I brought my mum to another GH, going in-and-out for about a month, later she was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. Lung cancer patients are always diagnosed at a later stage, which I think we should improve for early detection. During this period, I go back and forth from Klang to KL, almost every night, to visit my mum when she was warded. A cancer patient has to be referred for further treatments at the National Cancer Institute to get the latest scan of where it had spread, and to discuss what can be done. My mother was warded again the same day of her clinic appointment. A week later, the doctor called me while I was working, to inform me that my mother’s condition had already entered stage 4. I cried hard at the office and few of my colleagues calmed me down.

I see everything, every inch of my mother’s body, physically and mentally deteriorating, and it really took a toll on myself too. Because of the stress I am facing both with work and my mother’s health, my acne decided to make a comeback. On top of everything else, of course my acne hadddd to make an appearance just to see whether I can handle more stress 🙄

I always prayed to God, that when the time comes between deciding on taking me or my mum first, let it be my mum and make it quick. I sound heartless I know. God answered one of my prayers, He took my mum first on 26th Ramadhan or 11th June 2018 but he did not make it quick. It is a torture for me seeing my mum suffer.

Life was mostly hell and some part are heaven for my mum, and I wanted to take away all of the pain of losing from her, put them all on my shoulder instead of hers, and let her suffer no more. My uncle, aunt, and I was there with her every night when the doctor from Palliative Care told us that she is left with hours or days. The day death came, I was beside her along with my aunt. She passed away in peace and I do mean it, as her face was so calm, so serene, and she looked like she was smiling. A slow death is a torture or so I thought, but it was actually a preparation for all of the closest family members. My aunt broke down the most. I thought I was strong, assuming I am prepared for this, but I am just slower in accepting the reality. About a day or two after my mother’s burial, I cried while I’m driving, and especially when I finally go home, realizing how lonely I felt, hearing nothing but the sound that I made.

I sat in my room, I sobbed and moaned, feeling so lost and lonely. Healing won’t be easy. Honestly, I’m avoiding from thinking of any memories, listening to her voice notes, looking at her pictures, because I know I will breakdown again, and I’m afraid it will affect my mental health. Her cancer was advanced and it happened so fast. I am just glad that she went away in Ramadhan and her burial process were smooth from beginning till the end. I hope we all can find our strength and accept what has been written by Him.

I miss you more than anything mami. I am now empty and can never be whole again without you.

Twice!

I lost my house key, TWICE. This happened while my mother was hospitalised. Just to recap, I have lost my phone TWICE during my high school years. It traumatised me so much that whenever I couldn’t find my phone I’d panic a lil. So dramatic haha.

Why losing my house key is so terrifying you ask? Because I don’t have any spare keys. Plus even if I do, it’ll be in the house where I can’t even enter in the first place. The first time it happened is on a Sunday afternoon. I had just finished running errands from morning and the last task I have to do is go to the Carwash. Feeling excited to go home after waiting for 40 minutes for my car’s turn, to only realise that I don’t have my house key. I searched like hell and I just couldn’t remember where I’d lost it. So I go back to the Carwash, and there it was, lying on the floor right at the spot where I parked before. Phewww, luck was on my side this time.

The second time happened on the next day, on Monday, around 6pm after work. I reached home to find that I had lost my fucking keys, AGAIN. This time the panic is real yo. I think I searched like hell around and in my car, trying to trace back my steps, calling my colleague to see if I had left my keys at the office, brainstorming how the fuck am I supposed to solve this shit. To add more of the panic, I also bought an online movie ticket of Infinity War at 9:15pm, on the same night. Can you imagine having to rush for a solution before the movie starts??! I drive for 25 mins to a locksmith in Tesco, asked if he can make a key by looking at the picture I took of the padlock and grill gate. Nope, cannot, it’s impossible.

I was so desperate that I asked him whether he got any cutting tools that I can borrow. The locksmith does have an outdoor staff for this kind of case but they aren’t available at night time plus the cost is exorbitant. Around MYR90 on normal working hours, even more after. I AIN’T GONNA PAY FOR THAT! I already have a lot on my plate. He suggested the fire station.

Fuck fuckety fuck. I’d never imagine myself doing that as I always despise those who called the firefighter for such petty things, for example, my case. God, now I am one of those. Alright so remember the Infinity War ticket? Am I gonna ditch the movie and waste MYR16 for this? HELL NO! Guess what, knowing that my only solution is the firefighter, I decided to go watch the movie first. It was full house and full of kids, also full of stupid people who doesn’t silent their phone AND text during the movie. Add that to my pile of regrets. Am I the only one who didn’t cry watching Infinity War? I find it weird because I am a fan of the previous movies and I watched almost everything. ‘Nutsack chin’got me though 🤣

Movie ended around 11:40pm. I am so nervous having to go the the fire station and brace the embarrassment of it. Turns out the fire station had a counter with firemen doing their shift. I disturbed a guy watching videos with my shit. I apologised a lot for troubling them for such petty things, but they didn’t make any expression or complain. Phewww. They followed my car all the way to my house (luckily they used a van and not the big ass vehicle) and managed to break both the padlock and grill gate. I gave MYR20 for them both for duit ngeteh and was happily accepted.

But….once they were done and wanted to leave, one of them drove to a dead end (which I mentioned, the road on the left of my house is a dead end, you can’t go there) but he did and while attempting to make a U-turn, the van got stuck. The tyres were stuck in the dirt and trust me when I say they did at least 5 attempts to reverse the van but failed. Can you imagine how funny the situation is 😂 Finally they called for backup from the fire station to come and help them. I bid adieu and slept.

I never found my house key again nor do I want it to be found.

D.R.I.P house key. (Don’t Rest In Peace)

(You caused me so much trouble. NOT my fault!)

*photos inserted are according to the storyline.

Acne Scars Be Gone

Hey there!

This is just a monthly update on my acne scars journey, as I showed you my before after face when consuming a Vitamin C supplement. Be prepared to see my gross face.

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The above picture was taken on 19th January 2018 and the bottom picture was taken on 19th February 2018. No significant differences but if you look closely, I have few acne scars that faded. And this is amazing. Wanting a quick result is risky and dangerous, so I prefer taking my time and let it heal slowly. I am truly happy because I can just stick to consuming Vitamin C and not worry whether it’ll work or not because it will. This is my 2nd month on Hakubi White C Plus.

Have a good day!

Write it up

Hello friends!

My colleagues have been the most generous people on Earth. We get to eat cake once a month when we celebrate those with birthdays that month, on some days, they’d bring food and snacks, some would treat us with Mcdonalds, and our lady boss also gave the office free KFC and pizza. To stick with my diet seems nearly impossible. I should avoid all the free food but the temptation is too strong. To add the destruction that happened to my body, I spent my CNY holidays eating pizza, maggi, junk foods, while watching Netflix. I completed all episodes on Stranger Things, 13 Reasons Why, and a few more movies and TV-shows that I watched halfway. Diet? Fuck it. (Secretly planned to fast for a few days in hope I can shed a few kilos) 

13 Reasons Why is just sad and mysterious throughout the 13 episodes.  I’ve watched sad movies, but they usually include a few comedy in it, but 13 Reasons Why is just pure sadness. I won’t say I cried watching it, having the similar experience as Hannah Baker does not make me cry surprisingly. The more I watched, the more I hate Hannah. Oh God forgive me. And I feel so relieved that I finished high school!

Alright, I just wrote a paid article 2 months ago, and you can read it here

Ah its just a simple article but I learned my mistakes while writing it, and hopefully it’ll pave my way to writing better.

No pay leave

I worked for 2 months now and I finally took my first leave, a no pay leave, since I’m still under probation. God bless! I actually have a doctor’s appointment today plus I gotta go to KL to pick up my shoes, so I feel kinda proud for not simply taking leaves. I have a solid reason for this one day no pay leave haha. A small matter but means a lot to me because I always skip classes back in pre-U. To discipline mysef to come to work, heck I am now used to waking up early guys 😭 The same routine since high school but early mornings routine never stuck with me, and only now that I’m working it did. Better late then never I guess?

I just want to share how my day goes with you all 💃🏻

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The desserts are from Bisou Bake Shop at Bangsar Village II, loveeee the Vanilla cupcake, but not the Pandan Gula Melaka cake. I have eaten the cupcake before and I still love it. I tried the Pandan Gula Melaka slice today and instantly regret the decision. Waste of RM10 and added my calories count 😂 There are better PGM cake elsewhere but not here.

The burger pic. BURGER! This was my first time trying out Bistro Benji’s at Bangsar Village as well, and damn the portion is big. Fried Chicken Burger ; RM28. I didn’t order any drinks as I had my drinks earlier, and they still served me plain water. They put a bottle of 1L I think. I thought to myself, that the service charge would probably be a lot if they give such a good service and free water! But I was wrong, the bill was RM28. All the extra charges are already included. And then I got RM20 voucher for when I eat there again, with minimum RM50 spent. LOVE! The burger was satisfying, the chicken patty compliments well with the veges, and the fries oh God, soooo good. The fries doesn’t taste plain & boring at all.

✨How do you spend your annual leave?

Meal Prep Dilemma

I just got back from the gym when I was writing this. I ghosted my gym. I went missing for weeks, but today I’m back! I realized that my stamina has all gone downhill so I started with squats, crunches and weights before doing any intense cardio.

✨Reminder : Never skip gym for more than 3 days. You’ll start slacking and it’ll be hard to start over.

My payday is approaching and I am planning to eat clean (said and done many times and lasted for 3 weeks top). I was deciding between ordering a meal plan from a healthy food delivery website here in Malaysia but was taken aback when I look at the price. After browsing through several websites, the average price for a heavy meal is around RM15-RM22. Dude, that’s like eating lunch at Secret Recipe everyday. I myself never spend more than RM5 during lunch hour plus I always bring my own food cause I hate going out when its scorching. I’d rather buy thosai or roti telur which costs less than RM3. Stingy lil bitch.

At the same time I am just so tempted with the pretty tupperware/lunch box provided 😂 So Instagram-worthy. But to spend almost RM200 for like 10-12 meals is just pffffffffttttt mindblowing. Lemme show you.

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Dahmakan.com is the ultimate Instagram-worthy and like super fancy food so far I’ve seen. Hence the price starting from RM21. They have the Prime meal plan where you get 10 meals, and you can choose anything on the website without extra charges (the meals are amazing) for RM199. Dietliciouss.my has this Weight Loss 12 meals package for only RM190. Less RM10 with 2 extra meals. You can choose the menu for each carbohydrate, protein, and vegetables section. Not much option or variation if you’re like me, picky and there are certain meal that I just can’t imagine enjoying. So you have to repeat the same carbs/protein/veges if some of the options aren’t your taste.

But if you’re interested well then go ahead and let me know how they taste hehehe. And of course you can purchase a single meal from the websites. Today I did my own homework to see whether it’ll be cheaper when I cook my own meal prep. My only problem is, I am lazy to cook. I took extra 10 minutes before waking up every morning so I can’t imagine waking up even earlier to cook. But then again hence the meal prepping! I read that the experienced meal prepper choose to cook on Sunday & Wednesday. You prepare for 3 days of meal first and not for a week straight because we want the food to be as fresh as it can.

This is my grocery shopping list :

 

RM130 plus minus lah. This includes breakfast (cereal & milk) andddddd fruits! The rest are the ingredients to cook which I bet can last for weeks. I forgot to survey on the protein though! Haha. I walked out of Tesco realizing that I forgot to look at the price of a dory or mackerel fish. Now my estimated grocery price are not complete. Sigh. I plan to cook only fish dishes as I’m avoiding chicken as per advised by my doctor. The ingredients are based on a few recipes I referred from Jamie Oliver’s website such as :

• Grill Masala Fish

• Asian style fish

• Fish Fingers

• Simple baked fish

• Salmon Nicoise

I think I’m going to go with meal prepping on my own guys. Oh by the way from the meal prepping guides I read, buy a tupperware/container with dividers so you can preserve the food longer, as it won’t become mixed and mushy, and also if you’re like me, you’ll look forward to eating healthy when you see that pretty lunch box aite haha. I start small so I don’t get too excited about this, let’s do it for 2 weeks first. Having short term planning is better than a long term to avoid any chickening out halfway through the diet.

Leave him.

 

We can go through sleepless nights talking about the characteristic of a man that we would want to be in a serious relationship with, but there’s this one type that should be avoided. In fact, don’t even consider into being serious with him at first sight.

He who degrades.

He’s got a 10/10 profile, educated, stable job, rich perhaps, and a hot bod. What could go wrong? I actually experienced this myself, getting to know this kind of a man, only to be disappointed after awhile. As you all know, I have acne scars scattered on my cheeks & you can see them in my previous posts. So this particular guy texted me out of the thin air, having no direction towards my acne scars issue, he said to me “Rusty hair, acne-prone face.”

 

I was stunned. Ok I do know my face is problematic (the rusty hair tho, like you mean dark brown? are you colour blind?!) so why remind me again? I have lots of mirror in my house. (In fact I have 5) Haha. See this is my point guys. Imagine yourself posing in front of the mirror, tryna hype yourself up, asking the perfect guy you love, “Sweetheart, how do you think I look today?” To only be replied with, “Rusty hair, and acne-prone face.” Literally translates to go fuck yourself. Rarely did he ever compliment me. This is so negative to even begin with. Criticism is normal and should be accepted. But this is degrading. Imagine again being with a person who often degrades you, how draining it must be, your energy spent on arguments and feeling insecure all the time.

A relationship should be mutually beneficial. You bring out the best of each other. You grow mentally and physically. You slay and you never stop, the two of you conquering the world one step at a time. So my issue is that he never apologize. He didn’t even realize what he said was hurtful and just fucking rude. All I got was “I don’t give a damn.” from the motherfucker. I won’t reveal who he is but I have no shame in sharing with you all about this. I feel the need to remind you in case one of you might be in the same situation. I almost let this go, thinking how he is just so perfect as a husband one day, so maybe I should just forgive him and let it go. Take a step back now ye moron! Don’t do that. Never tolerate. You deserve someone who sees the good in you and even when he sees the bad, he will stand by your side, guiding you into being a better one.

What I am so pissed about is that he knows I spent a lot of money and time to fix my skin, and yet he criticized. He degrades. Almost 6 months spent on swallowing pills, and then buying vitamins, going for facial treatment, and I finally can see the light. Hahaha. I’m almost there guys, kicking the acne down the curb, only left with the scars. Do not ever settle for less. You may feel like you’re letting a very great man go, but you should know that you’re giving yourself a future on being with a person who will look at you and tell you how beautiful you are, every single day. Or maybe twice a week. Haha!