My mum and I; always just the two of us since I was born.
Now she’s gone. Forever. Did you know that I only learned to sleep in my own bedroom when I was 15 years old? Before that, I slept with my mum the entire time. I had the typical scared-of-the-monster-under-my-bed thing going on back then. I also had known a long time ago, that if one day my mum passes away, I will be truly alone. At a young age, the idea of living alone sounds very exciting. I regret for having such ideas now.
Everybody assumed I am a strong person, seeing how calm I am at my mother’s burial, and how accepting I am of her illness when it all started, sadly, I thought so too. Turns out, I am much slower in digesting the facts. I realized how shattered I am inside only after I tried doing my daily chores, and to not see or hear my mum at all.
In my previous post, I told you how hard it is for me to come home alone after her burial, not hearing any sound but the ones I made. My aunt and her little family stayed with me during my whole 14 days of compassionate leave given by my boss. Today, she returned home as I started working. I don’t expect to live with my aunt or uncle as they have their own family and problems to deal with, plus I do prefer living alone after all. I did an overtime to settle some of my work I left behind, and then I went for a grocery shopping before I go home. Walking through the aisle in Tesco, I realized I will only buy groceries for myself, and no longer for my mum. My selection this time includes 3 bags of Twisties, 2 packs of Maggi, and 1 pack of frozen crab balls–which shouts unhealthy. I usually spend a long time in the Organic aisle thinking of what healthy stuff I can buy for my mum. Now I can’t do that anymore.
Driving home knowing that there’ll be no one waiting for me, no more rushing to Hospital Serdang to visit her, and no more hearing of her voice calling my name….broke me. As I cooked dinner, I remember how my mum always cook something for herself after work, but I’ll be in my room scrolling through Instagram etc and then I’ll hear a knock on my door and her shouting my name–which was expected as she brought me a plate of what she cooked. I ate in my room while she ate at the kitchen table. I regret not spending time with her, even when it’s filled with awkward silence from the both of us.
At this point, I tried so hard to not cry and I distracted my mind with other stuff. I quickly open my laptop and browse through Netflix. He’s Just Not That Into You is my choice tonight. I thought of turning down the volume as I wouldn’t want to disturb my mum sleeping. Silly me. Oh how I cried hard at the end of the movie, thinking how I can never be loved by others like how my mother did to me, thinking how alone I am right now. I was quite okay at work today, but I shatter as soon as I arrive home.
See, there is a difference between living alone but knowing your parent/s is alive and living alone but realizing your parent/s is dead. The latter changes you. My mum is my whole family, I don’t have anyone else. I am not that close with my aunt’s or uncle’s side. How many siblings you have? Or do you still have both living parents? Imagine one day all of them gone, forever. You came home not seeing the sight of them ever again. That’s how I feel. The appreciate-them-while-they’re-alive sounds super cliche but I really do emphasize it this time. It is the littlest, simplest thing that you do together today, that will be missed once they’re no longer with you.
I also realized how selfish I am back then, thinking only of my feelings and problems, but not my mother’s. Everything I did that hurt her comes from me being selfish and my endless living in my small bubble. So I beg you, appreciate and spend time with your loved ones before God takes them away………… your ego is nothing but your soul dying.