Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t. 

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Shit, I just realized..

 

I learnt one thing as I grow up. Make your own decisions. Stop searching for answers in Google, or love tweets account on Twitter, or anywhere else. I have this love problem thingy. It involves deciding whether I should just walk away or stay. So I looked for quotes related to relationships on Twitter. Most of it sounds like this.. “Leave him if he’s not worth your time” and such as related. We may have not realized that how much of what people say on social media can influence what we decide daily. It can be relationships, family problems, financial issues, studies and etcetera. I took notice of how dangerous this is as I almost did something that I would’ve regret my whole life for. Luckily I stopped allowing myself from depending on answers from strangers.

 

We always rely on people for answers to our problems, and when we don’t have anyone to talk to, we search for it on Google, Twitter, Facebook etc. No matter how right it may sound coming from another person, we must think thoroughly on our own first. I decided to not give up yet on this guy that I am interested in as I feel like he’s worth the effort. Not all things come easily to us right? We have been blinded by this love fantasy that is portrayed through drama’s on television, thus, influencing our expectations when getting to know someone or finding a partner. This I believe, is one of the greatest trick of the world on us. Listen to your heart, but make sure to use your brain to distinguish between a stupid or a smart decision. It depends on the person itself also, whether you should listen to your heart or your brain. In my case, I have been thinking too much, analysing every single data in my brain, that until one point, I have to just trust my instincts and do what my heart says. If it doesn’t work out, well, fuck it. Life fucks up at one point or another.

 

Sneaking into Dorothy Perkins

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The 2nd dress I tried at Dorothy Perkins. SO GORGEOUS!! The peek-a-boo of my boobs although it can’t be seen hahaha….sadly.

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The 1st dress! Classic striped dress. Super cute for casual wear. And the fact it has sleeves, which can cover my fat arms.

 

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I surveyed some dresses at FashionValet.com and this particular brand-Love, Bonito has the most beautiful sorts of dress! This one is Sholly Scallop Midi Dress in Red (MYR169)

 

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Orosia Printed Pleated Midi Dress in Pink (MYR175)

 

 

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Donette Lace Overlay Midi Dress in Dusty Blue (MYR205)

 

I find window shopping a therapy for me whenever I feel like I have nothing to wear and I need new OOTD pictures. Do I buy the dresses? OF COURSE NOT! I just love the feeling like I am shopping for clothes, but the process ends at the changing room and not up until the counter. Plus, I can’t afford buying clothes every time I’m stressed out. So, I happily walk into Dorothy Perkins at AEON Bukit Tinggi, which I rarely go to because I’m always underdressed to even be in Dorothy Perkins. I don’t belong in it! Haha. But that day I rebelled. I was wearing a shirt and black jeans with slippers, surprisingly, the staff there treats me very well, as if I look like I were to buy something hmm. I took 2 dresses and walaaa!

I actually prefer sleeved dress as it helps to hide my wide back and fat arms, which I find unflattering at all. Sadly, most of the dresses at FashionValet.com are sleeveless. I think they need to bring in more sleeved dress!

Whenever I go to PADINI, they don’t have any dresses that fits my size. All skinny ones. Grrrr. I stare at the size which I am sure can fit my thighs. Okay one thing I remember while writing this, for XL-sized girls, fret not, get your bras at Pierre Cardin that is available at AEON Bukit Tinggi and any other shooping malls, they have the best lingeries, and they often have SALES! Just wait for the sales ladies, it is so worth it. I bought 2 bras for MYR88, the original price for each is MYR100+. Be patient and keep your eyes open for the sales okay!

 

The Disappearance of Julianna

Based on my previous post, I shared with you about my Prozac prescription. Then I went MIA for quite a while and I apologize for that. I really do.

I missed an appointment right after my last post which causes me not having any Prozac in hand as I was told by the nurse to wait for the next appointment to get my prescription again. Another month without meds. It was hell I tell you! But the withdrawal symptoms only lasted around 2 weeks for me. After that, I was okay again. Surprisingly yes. Life has been quite okay, I am more happy and active. I think it is because I am busy with school work and because I have a good friend at school, so that makes me enjoy my day. Currently, I am back on 40mg of Prozac and the doctor will evaluate me next month to see whether I need to increase my dosage up to 60mg or not.

To be honest, I am not doing really okay now. I sometimes get too excited or happy, and then I’ll be sad or emotionless for days. Exercise is strongly recommended for those who are depressed. Trust me, I have been to the gym at least twice a week, it became a routine, I enjoyed exercising. I have registered the membership as well! My goal is to lose weight. (Which is still in progress hehe) The weird thing is, exercising does not give me any effect to lift up my mood. One day I can be at the gym for 2 hours and then the next day I will be laying on my bed, being unproductive, sleeping too much and depressed all over again. I was hoping that by exercising would help me somehow. Now I have to find other ways to battle my depression. For once I thought I was okay, that I am getting better. Then, it comes back again.

 

It doesn’t really go away.

 

I have 2 thing in my mind now, that is to start writing again and study. Other people do much more difficult things in their daily life and I can’t even do these 2 things!!! Frustrates me the most. I can’t seem to focus anymore. I skipped school because I don’t understand anything the teacher is saying and I feel lost. So why bother coming to school when I can spend time studying alone, and you know, just try to pick up the pace. That is my plan. Take 1-2 days off, even though I am not allowed to do so as I have tons of coursework to do, but I just need a break. I know my teachers and friends have been so fed up with me not coming to school, but I guess I’m sorry? I have to think for myself first. Just let me have one day all to myself, for me to study everything again, and at least feel like I am having control of my life, you know? I don’t care what anyone think of me. I have to make things right. Once and for all. Study and write. That’s it. Simple.

 

I have to do it.