The Disappearance of Julianna

Based on my previous post, I shared with you about my Prozac prescription. Then I went MIA for quite a while and I apologize for that. I really do.

I missed an appointment right after my last post which causes me not having any Prozac in hand as I was told by the nurse to wait for the next appointment to get my prescription again. Another month without meds. It was hell I tell you! But the withdrawal symptoms only lasted around 2 weeks for me. After that, I was okay again. Surprisingly yes. Life has been quite okay, I am more happy and active. I think it is because I am busy with school work and because I have a good friend at school, so that makes me enjoy my day. Currently, I am back on 40mg of Prozac and the doctor will evaluate me next month to see whether I need to increase my dosage up to 60mg or not.

To be honest, I am not doing really okay now. I sometimes get too excited or happy, and then I’ll be sad or emotionless for days. Exercise is strongly recommended for those who are depressed. Trust me, I have been to the gym at least twice a week, it became a routine, I enjoyed exercising. I have registered the membership as well! My goal is to lose weight. (Which is still in progress hehe) The weird thing is, exercising does not give me any effect to lift up my mood. One day I can be at the gym for 2 hours and then the next day I will be laying on my bed, being unproductive, sleeping too much and depressed all over again. I was hoping that by exercising would help me somehow. Now I have to find other ways to battle my depression. For once I thought I was okay, that I am getting better. Then, it comes back again.

 

It doesn’t really go away.

 

I have 2 thing in my mind now, that is to start writing again and study. Other people do much more difficult things in their daily life and I can’t even do these 2 things!!! Frustrates me the most. I can’t seem to focus anymore. I skipped school because I don’t understand anything the teacher is saying and I feel lost. So why bother coming to school when I can spend time studying alone, and you know, just try to pick up the pace. That is my plan. Take 1-2 days off, even though I am not allowed to do so as I have tons of coursework to do, but I just need a break. I know my teachers and friends have been so fed up with me not coming to school, but I guess I’m sorry? I have to think for myself first. Just let me have one day all to myself, for me to study everything again, and at least feel like I am having control of my life, you know? I don’t care what anyone think of me. I have to make things right. Once and for all. Study and write. That’s it. Simple.

 

I have to do it.

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