Loneliness kills me slowly.
I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes.
I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.
Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way.
Have you ever been in situations where you feel used? Are you the yes or the no person? By saying that, you just kinda say yes eventho it makes you feel used, or you say no straightaway to avoid being used.
I am definitely a no person. I am known for having my mum’s car to move around plus being the only child, I do have plenty of me-time. And people just loveeee taking advantage of my situation. I have a few friends who sometimes asks me for help to send them home or pick them up or accompany them do stuffs that doesn’t involve me. Once or twice is enough I think, and I am not the only solution they have am I right? We got Uber, Grab and somebody else that lives nearby their housing area, as a matter of fact, my house is the furthest from everyone, and I drive for 30 minutes to and fro.
Some who I just met once or twice started inviting me to hangout but with an intention to help them reach a destination/do chores. I feel so disappointed when people do this repeatedly without having any guilt, as I am trying to connect and make some new friends. Imagine, a friend wants to hangout with me, and I felt so happy about it, but it turns out he just need help in delivering something. Others would often see me as an unpaid Grab driver who thinks I am doing charity work to send them home almost everyday. Don’t get me wrong, they ask for help a lot, too much, but I said no. This is important because you don’t want people to start getting comfortable and assume that you don’t mind, and eventually use you. It annoys me so much and makes me fed up. Please please pleaseeee be mindful and have some respect for other people’s time. Treat others as how you would want people to treat you.
I have been thinking of more ways to make money with a part-time job, and being a Grab driver sounds tempting. I have a car (my mum’s) and ample time secretly (keeping this a secret from my mum- she’d kill me if she knows that I am not focusing entirely on my finals in November). And so I download the Grab Driver app and was quite surprised on how strict the steps to becoming a Grab Driver.
There are 3 steps, which consist of registering information of your insurance covernote picture, a headshot picture of yourself, a picture of your ID and license, and also an online training which is to watch a video and take a 20 question quiz before proceeding to step 3 (I got 85% haha) . I managed to complete until step 2 before having to go to the Grab Driver Centre itself for a final registration. They stated from the beginning that the car used must only be manufactured in 2011 and above, or else you can’t be a driver. My car passed that.
I arrived at the centre in PJ, after queuing for 5 minutes, to only find out that my car model is not accepted 😒 the minimum car model is Axia. WTF! Haih I am so disappointed man. In step 1 & 2 I already gave my insurance covernote letter that states the car model I am driving. So if you are qualified to be a Grab/Uber driver, go for it! In this economy, having one job is irrelevant.
A memorable and fun 20s. I have long list of things I want to do and this post is about one of it in the list. If you have been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I am a true loner. Clubbing alone? Its not that surprising in other countries but in Malaysia, I am kind of breaking the stereotype by going alone haha! They say, if you want to go clubbing, you have to call up some friends and book a table. True, but this doesn’t work for everyone right?
For example, if you’re a newbie in your area and want to discover the nightlife, this sounds weird to do. Or me for another example, I don’t have enough friends to go clubbing with. Friends I have, but friends for clubbing I don’t. They practice Islam and I understand that. I have been so eager to dance in a loud music environment and ain’t nothing gonna stop me!
Kyo/Ren Club @ Mandarin Oriental
Kyo and Ren is under the same club but different concept. They separate both space. Kyo is for hip hop music while Ren is disco/trance music I think. I Wazed straight away to the parking lot and it lead me to KLCC parking lot haha I was confused for a while but I asked the guard how to go to MO. I walked down through KLCC park and reached MO. Please park in the MO parking lot itself and not the KLCC parking lot. It gets confusing walking from Kyo, half drunk, tryna find where the fuck is my car haha.
I arrived early, around 10:45 pm and the ushers let me sit for a while in the Ren area. Here’s what Kyo looks like!
You look weird when you think you look weird. Imagine yourself seeing a guy/woman standing by the bar enjoying their own drinks and being comfortable with themselves, does it look weird to you? Exactly, they don’t. So that’s how it applies to you as well. If you feel like wanting to dance, drink, and just have a good time, go for it. Remember, 1-2 drinks is enough for you to drive back home, or sober enough to call Grab/Uber. Stay safe always and be alert with your drinks and your purse!
There is no free seating in Kyo unless you reserve it first. You can stand at the bar or just walk around and dance.
Tips : Don’t come too early if you’re alone. I thought there’d be a line up if I come around 11pm but nope nothing. The dance floor is still empty at 12am. Around 1-2am is better.
Ya girl got ya, don’t worry.
I always managed to pull off an expensive look eventho I only have MYR10 in my purse at the time. My friends sometimes think I’m rich because of what I’m wearing, look, and smell. I call this deceiving technique haha!
KEEP AN EYE
Keep an eye for a clothing store that always have SALE with a lot of clothing choice. For example, Cotton On at AEON Bukit Tinggi, Klang have the same SALE as AEON Shah Alam, but the thing is, I’ve been to both outlets, and AEON Bukit Tinggi tend to have more choices. There’s so much more to choose under the MYR15 SALE rack and so far I’ve never been disappointed.
I bought a grey dress for only MYR30 (score!) from Cotton On that looks beautiful without any defects. The original price would be MYR139. Another example is, Dorothy Perkins. They fit all sizes and their SALE reaches up to 70% at times. I find it still expensive after discount but if you have extra money, Dorothy Perkins is the way to go. I love love all of the dresses and tops. Like I said before, lookout between the same clothing store at different places and evaluate which store has more choices.
(Secret tip : Pierre Cardin sells very good lingerie for a reasonable price, my fav store)
Your scent is the key. Imagine Nasi Kandar without fried chicken. That’s how crucial it compliments your look. Surely I also don’t have the money to keep on stocking up on expensive branded perfumes 🙄 Find a dupe perfume store, a good one of course, not the pasar malam one ah! I found Cher La Verne at AEON Bukit Tinggi, Klang and they sell dupe for branded perfumes at a cheaper price but has the exact scent as the original ones. Trust me, this is what I wear and people ask me “Are you wearing Gucci Flora?”. My signature perfume is Gucci Flora and man I am broke if I bought the MYR400+ bottle perfume. So I know how the original perfume smells like when I buy the same at Cher La Verne. The cheapest they sell is MYR18 for 5ml and they last half the day (the scent I mean 😂) Today I bought 30ml bottle for MYR59 (they have SALE, the original price is MYR69). So find your favorite branded perfume and find the alternative for it.
Here’s what my mum always remind me, invest in a good branded and more expensive shoes when you have the money. You don’t want to spend MYR40 on the same cheap shoe over and over again, that’s a waste of money. As we know, expensive shoes feels better when you wear it, and they last longer. No matter what your financial situation is, you can always wear a good shoe and look extravagant. I bought 1 heels from Clarks, 1 sandal from Epanema, 1 sport shoes from Nike, and 1 casual sandal from Crocs. Do you know that these are the only shoes I wear from 2016 to 2017? I don’t buy anymore shoes. So you can save your money on that part because its a long-term investment 😉
There you have it, tips on How To Look Expensive!
✨DAY 5 :
Workout ✔️ Study ❌ No Fast Food ✔️
✨DAY 6 :
Workout ✔️ Study ✔️ No Fast Food ✔️
✨DAY 7 :
Workout ❌ Study ❌ No Fast Food ✔️
Damn I sure fucked up Day 7! On the last day, I actually went to the gym, but found out my gym membership has already expired and was kicked out. Haha dramatic. But I just don’t have the money to continue it yet. So the poor Julianna drives back home and continue eating. Boo hoo. The frustration of being prepared for a gym session only to be denied entrance….and that’s why I hate not having sufficient money. Being honest with you, I am a person who always finds a way to make money. I’m always thinking of what can I do to earn money. I have my Carousell account where I sell my belongings. I do part time jobs as well. I don’t like having to ask my mum for money everytime I want to go out. I personally feel that I don’t deserve to ask my mum for money just so that I can go out and have fun. You know what I mean? I feel less of a burden when I know that I am using my own earned money. My mum did pay for my gym membership when I first started, but as time goes by I paid for it using my own money. Ahhh feels good to say that.
My own money means that I did a job to get em’ papers. Filling up the gas for my mum as well. I wish I have more to buy a car so that I can stop using my mum’s car. Soon enough, with sufficient savings, I’ll move out, get a place of my own. A rented room works for me. Not dreaming of a fancy place. A rented room is cheap, and I can have my own personal space, be even more independent than I already am now, and maybe use Grab all the time since I won’t be owning a car any time soon. How does that sound?
Quick update :
✨DAY 2 :
Workout ✔️ Study ✔️ No Fast Food ❌
✨DAY 3 :
Workout ❌ Study ✔️ No Fast Food ❌
✨DAY 4 :
Workout ❌ Study ✔️ No Fast Food ✔️
And I still question why it is so hard for me to lose weight…………
Good morning yall! A bright and sunny Sunday ☀️ I thank thee Lord 🙏🏻 I hit the gym today feeling pumped up after drinking a can of Red Bull (need more of those). I actually went to the gym at 5am and forgot that they opened up at 7am on a Sunday, which frustrates me so much, and I had to drive all the way back to my house, so I decided to do the laundry while waiting for the gym to open up.
My workout routine today consists of :
- Stairs (the most tiring machine ever)
- Leg press
All done in about 1 hour 30 minutes as I have to rush back home again. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m going to continue doing Eagle Abs and Reverse Crunch at home. The stairs was my first time, and I swear to God it makes your heart beats so fast in 2 minutes, burn the calories faster, also makes you go “God I can’t do this anymore, I’m dying.” Or is it just me? Haha. Good day coming ahead! ☺️
No fast food ✔️
I have an idea.
Since I procrastinate in almost everything I do, I figured out a way to overcome it. Set a time frame, of the thing you’re supposed to do. Let’s say, workout. Workout everyday for 1 week. Not the hardcore kind of workout, just a light to medium ones. Just to make myself get back on track, and feel comfortable. Set a minimum of 24 hours for starters will do 😉
So here’s the list of the things I have to do within a period of time :
- Workout for 1 week (no matter where and when, for at least 30 mins)
- Study for 3 days straight. Really focus and give it your all.
- Do not eat fast food for 1 week. (No more Mcd, KFC, late night drive-thru’s!)
This is all for now, and it starts today, Sunday 17 September 2017 and I will update my progress here everyday. Include that as well!
What do you think? What do you do to not procrastinate? Help ya girl out. Have a great Sunday!