Luahan hati

I did a lot of bad stuff that nobody would ever imagine me doing. From taking off my hijab to drinking…it definitely shocked a lot of my friends. I see one by one people leaving out of my life, permanently. I apologize if I’ve let down anyone who’ve seen me change. I’m sorry for what I am now. But..

You want me to be honest? I am not religious. Ever since having depression my faith have decreased day by day. I’m in the phase of trying ‘things’ out. Whatever rebellious thing you have in mind, but not all haha! I smoked before but I didn’t become addicted at all, luckily, I just have the urge to rebel and ruin my health for a while haha. 

Friends, I understand that with what I’ve become now, you must want to distance yourself from me. I admit I do feel hurt. Sad. I can’t blame anyone because I push people away all the time. I always ruin my relationship with other people. 

So this comes back fair to me. When I share pictures on Instagram, I do it because well I want to share and I like what I’m doing at the moment. Again, if you feel like you’re following a bad person that gives such a bad influence, just unfollow me. Friends nor family, I don’t mind. 

I also understand that you mustn’t want a person who used to drink etc like me to be anywhere near or breathe the same air as you, scared that I’d spread out my sins haha. Slowly I am trying to accept the fact that some people just doesn’t want you to be associated in their life anymore. For that reason, I am backing off entirely. Life is full of suspense of what shit is gonna happen next and whether the shit will float or be flushed smoothly. 


Julianna is a loner

I have a small family, and I live with only my mum. Just the two of us in a big house that can fit more haha. I do everything alone. Which means, by myself, not accompanied by anyone as my mother spends half of her day at work, 7 days a week. 

At the age of 20, being able to drive and all, I gotta do things on my own. Cannot expect my mother to pay all the bills etc right? My daily routine consists of me going to college. After 3pm I am free to do anything. I either will sleep or study at home, or go to the mall to buy some stuff, or sit at McDonalds and study. By 6:30pm I have to go pick up my mom from work. I usually go to the gym around 8pm. And that’s it. 

A friend asked, what does it feel like to do things alone? Now, I understand that most of the people I know have a number of siblings and they sometimes envy me hahaha for having a lot of me time. I personally am not a fan of having many siblings. I am used to being alone and independent since I was a kid. Some thinks that it is sad or not fun going out alone. Well, I do have friends to hangout with, but they all study far away and have their own life to handle. I can’t force them to come and hangout with me just because I am alone, right? That’s quite a simple logic. I want to do a lot of fun things, like watching the latest movies at the cinema, cafe hopping in Klang, and workout. Isn’t a it a waste of time to be waiting for someone to accompany you do things while you yourself can actually go do them on your own? I communicate and be all crazy when in college with my classmates, yes I do. The reality is when I go home, I am alone. I cannot be waiting for a partner in order for me to enjoy life. When they come, sure, we’ll do it together. But for now, Julianna don’t wait. Julianna actually hates waiting. Hehe. 

I bid farewell.. my flawless skin. 

Since the end of January 2017, I am attacked by some kind of rash on my forehead that later becomes a bunch of blackheads gathering around, making my life miserable. It doesn’t help that I have a big forehead so it is more obvious. I swear that last time I had pimples full on my forehead was when I first hit puberty, which is when I was 12 years old. Now the old friend is making a comeback but with blackheads.

I Googled and YouTubed the solution for my problem. I saw a YouTuber with the same problem that I have and I followed her advice. She used a product from a pharmacy that is supposed to control yeast infection. Tf???? But I am desperate. So I tried.


Next, a nice lady at a spa told me to apply Colgate on my forehead. So I tried again. It shrinks but doesn’t go away.

Then, I become more desperate to find a skin repair clinic/spa that can help my condition. I surveyed high and low for an affordable price and the suitable treatment, finally I decided to go to Skin Renew and proceed with Nourishes Repair Skin (NRS) Treatment for MYR318. It appears that my problem is not properly addressed. How can you solve a problem that you don’t even really know right? Thank God for the consultant that guides me on what the hell is going on haha. 

My skin turns out to be having clogged pores like everywhere and this what causes the massive blackheads breakout! 

What I can summarize is :

  • I have a combination skin. Oily plus dry.
  • It takes time to be flawless again.
  • To make my hundreds of blackhead go away is by traditionally popping it. IT FUCKING HURTS.
  • NRS : Pop all my blackheads and pimples, put antibacterial gel and some antibacterial laser which is to make sure that my skin is clear from any bacteria that could make it worst. Face and body massage. The normal cleansing and moisturizing cream applied. Mask put on my face before the final cleansing again.

Tips for choosing skincare for Combination skin :

-Cleanser must be in gel or water based product. Cannot be foamy etc.

-Skincare also must be from gel and water based product.

-For acne/blackhead skin prob, use product that contains antibacterial or antiseptic. 

A day after my NRS treatment, my forehead is smooth that is for sure, but suddenly all the pimples make an appearance and my forehead goes red. I also am having my period at that time so I don’t know which causes it. I rushed to find the suitable skincare and I found it.

Mario Badescu Anti Acne Serum MYR114

This serum stops the redness immediately. Love it. It has everything that is suitable to treat my skin. (Available at Sephora)

Tea Tree Cleanser MYR49

For now I use only these two as I am still searching for the right moisturizer. For combination skin, I cannot use any too oily or too moisturizing moisturizer. It has to be gel or water based as well. The NRS treatment managed to make my skin smooth again, but now I have to take care of my pimples etc the correct way.

Top left-before, Bottom right-after

No Rush

Because people show different sides of them to different kind of people, so it takes times to get to know them all. 

Have you ever wondered why is it that your only true friends are the ones you’ve fought with? Because we have seen almost all sides of them. The good one, sad, happy, and bad ones. And after all that, if you stick with them, then that’s a good sign. 

That’s how I think we should apply in getting to know people or maybe your partner. Of course we’d all want a happy moment to be cherished but if we don’t see both sides of the coin of a person, how are we supposed to know them from inside and out? It takes a long time. In the end, it’s like gambling. You can try the best tricks to make it work but if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen. Although I believe we should try to give all of our efforts before giving in.  

Just a thought for tonight. 

1 week off socmed

I’ve uninstalled Whatsapp before for 2 days before surrendering and I end up receiving lots of notifications and just laughing to myself that there are people who seeks for me. Hihi. 

Now I am officially off from Whatsapp, Instagram and Twitter for 1 good week. I was thinking of making it 2 weeks but nah that is too long as I might miss some important shits. 

I am 30 minutes early to 3rd April but yeah that’s when the countdown starts! 


No peeking nor emergency installing the apps back. I notify only my mum to iMessage me instead of Whatsapp. That’s what only matters. In the meantime, all of my free time spent not on social media, I will read books and study and actually think! And not just scroll past through pictures etc. Gonna spend a quality time with my mind and soul. I have been incredibly emotional for the past few days and a lot have been going through my mind. Let’s take a break and really study Julianna. How was your experience doing this before? 

Gym with Jue

I lost 6kg and my current weight is 82kg.

Took me months to lose 6kg, definitely not a 3 months program and lose 15kg! I don’t have a trainer, I started with running at the gym for only 20 minutes and then I head off home. Now I spent at least 2 hours at the gym. Let me share with you my journey. It is definitely not a pretty one, as it is full of ups and downs.

Early of 2016 I decided to go register as a gym member because I hate running outdoor. I lack focus and weirdly ran slower than I am on the treadmill. I used an app for running which you can download any from the App/Playstore, and it helped me to run properly. Before this I would just run or walk on the treadmill and when I started sweating I think that is enough. Can you imagine at first I could not even run for a full 60 seconds? And that was not even on a high speed. So this app helps you to find your pace in running. You enter your weight and height and they will set the suitable starting pace for you. You actually don’t have to run super fast like crazy! The app taught me to alternate between running, walking, and sprinting. Of course they have a cool down moment as well. As time goes by, the period of either running/sprinting becomes longer, and you have to push yourself and not cheat, to keep up with the training. 

I was so happy when I can run for a full 6 minutes. How funny it seems now! Today I am proud to say that I can run steadily 1km at 6.0 speed. I have a lot of bad days… It’s true that losing weight is easy but to keep fit and consistent with your training is not. I am still far away from my target weight. Trying to lose another 3kg so that I no longer be in the 80kgs range. 

I am truly inspired by a close friend that said he always run 10km straight whenever he goes to the gym. I think that’s impossible to do at first. After running for a while, with a maximum of 4km on the treadmill in one go, one day I decided to do a 10km run. But I break it down into 4+3+3. My legs can’t afford a straight 10km run dude when I’m at 8km I already feel like amputating my legs haha. And yaaaaas I did it. It took me months to start from running for 20mins until today, I can run a 10km with breaks in between. What I am trying to say is, plan your workout and don’t be easily challenged by others at the gym in a negative way. Compete with yourself and not the person next to you.

I see a lot of people coming in not knowing how to use a machine properly and they don’t bother to ask. Such a shame. There is no need to feel intimidated by others. They have already started a long time ago, and you are just starting now, and that is totally okay. Focus on you and push your limit every time you go to the gym. Do some research or ask anyone at the gym the proper way to do a workout. Trust me, it won’t be a smooth journey, depending on each individual mental and physical strength. I have lots of bad days and I do skip sometimes a week from going to the gym. There are times where I can do a lot of workouts in 2 hours, really maximizing my time but there are times for instance right now as I’m writing this, I just stopped running at 2.5km and don’t feel like continuing at all. It’s weird. But you never stop going. Either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, you go get your ass back in the gym! One thing I always keep in mind is, whatever kind of workout that makes your heart rate goes faster will make you lose weight. So never get too comfortable once you can run for example 3km, always push yourself to do more. My running sessions are always sweaty and uncomfortable. Most of the time if I feel like stopping at a certain time, I would. I go and do other cardio workouts and take a break. And then I get back on the treadmill. Last tip! You know that moment where you feel damn tired and thirsty and just wanna go home after exercising? My trick is, lie down on the yoga mat and sleep for a few minutes. Or do crunches. Any light workouts. Take a break even for 20 minutes because then you won’t feel the urge to go home anymore. Just rest for a while, I promise you the feeling will go away. 

ZARA’s V-neck & Choker Tops

I have never tried wearing a choker before, but then I wore this dress with a lil bit of choker element in it, which triggers me….I do look good in choker! Makes me look like such a badass 

This is the dress from Dorothy Perkins. It doesn’t really look like a choker but yeah just a little bit. 

I installed ZARA app because I am influenced with Nisha Ezzati since she said that she shops everything from ZARA. Tryna be fashionable af like her hehe.

Here’s a list of screenshots of V-necks and Choker Tops from ZARA that is definitely on my wishlist! 

  • V-Neck Ribbed T-shirt
  • Front and back V-Neck
  • Available in Off White, Black, Bright Red-Sizes up until XXL 😍 (for all the tops)
  • MYR 89.90

  • V-Neck Choker Blouse
  • Available in Black only
  • MYR 169.90

  • Elastic ribbed T-shirt
  • Rounded V-Neck and long sleeves
  • Available in Black, Nude, Grey
  • MYR99.90

  • V-Neck blouse with choker
  • Long sleeves with double cuff and uneven hem.
  • Available in White.
  • MYR169.90

  • V-Neck Choker Top
  • Available in Fuschia.
  • MYR199.90

  • Choker neck T-shirt
  • Available in Dark Orange and Black.
  • MYR89.90

  • V-Neck Cashmere Sweater
  • Ribbed collar, cuffs and hem.
  • Available in Beige and Grey
  • MYR649.00 (yes you did not read that wrong)

  • V-Neck Sweater with bow
  • Available in Stripes and Black
  • MYR169.90

  • V-Neck Top with choker
  • Available in Off-White
  • MYR99.90

The best thing about all of these tops is that you can just wear them all with a pair of jeans and you’ll look amazing! Super easy. 

Do’s and dont’s at the GYM

Ok some of it are just pure common sense but here you go, what you should do and should not do when you’re at the gym!


  1. Bring a small towel, don’t want your sweat dripping off on the machines…
  2. Wear a proper workout outfit and shoes. A cool and light material is the best kind of sporting attire. Do not wear sneakers peeps especially if you are planning to use the workout machines!
  3. Ask the person in charge at the counter if you do not know how to use a machine. It’s okay if it is your first time and you don’t even know how to use the treadmill, be brave and ASK! 
  4. Preferably do some research on types of workouts and the proper way to exercise or warm up before coming to the gym. You don’t want to hurt yourself by assuming you know how to use the machines. Unless you have a trainer or a friend there.


  1. Bring kids or your whole family to play around and disturb the people around who are trying to workout. If you do, please monitor and control them.
  2. Do not bring men into the women’s area and vice versa. Respect the rules and the people who wants that kind of privacy. 
  3. Do not simply use a machine if you don’t know how, this is to avoid any injuries and from you looking silly infront of everyone.

I think that’s it? 

Comment below of the do’s and dont’s at the gym that you can think of!

I lost another 3kg! Latest weight is 82kg. 3kg more and I am no longer is the 80s range weight 🙆🏻 Come one peeps, YOU CAN DO IT. 

Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t. 

Shit, I just realized..


I learnt one thing as I grow up. Make your own decisions. Stop searching for answers in Google, or love tweets account on Twitter, or anywhere else. I have this love problem thingy. It involves deciding whether I should just walk away or stay. So I looked for quotes related to relationships on Twitter. Most of it sounds like this.. “Leave him if he’s not worth your time” and such as related. We may have not realized that how much of what people say on social media can influence what we decide daily. It can be relationships, family problems, financial issues, studies and etcetera. I took notice of how dangerous this is as I almost did something that I would’ve regret my whole life for. Luckily I stopped allowing myself from depending on answers from strangers.


We always rely on people for answers to our problems, and when we don’t have anyone to talk to, we search for it on Google, Twitter, Facebook etc. No matter how right it may sound coming from another person, we must think thoroughly on our own first. I decided to not give up yet on this guy that I am interested in as I feel like he’s worth the effort. Not all things come easily to us right? We have been blinded by this love fantasy that is portrayed through drama’s on television, thus, influencing our expectations when getting to know someone or finding a partner. This I believe, is one of the greatest trick of the world on us. Listen to your heart, but make sure to use your brain to distinguish between a stupid or a smart decision. It depends on the person itself also, whether you should listen to your heart or your brain. In my case, I have been thinking too much, analysing every single data in my brain, that until one point, I have to just trust my instincts and do what my heart says. If it doesn’t work out, well, fuck it. Life fucks up at one point or another.