My fellow singletons


Here I am, after watching two Bridget Jones’s movie on TV today, and now continuing with the Bridget Jones’s Baby online while eating McDonalds. I have never relate so much with her, Bridget, knowing the fact that I’ll be playing All By Myself on New Year’s Eve. Oh stop it already. I am taking myself too serious and it gets boring. Gotta have some humour in life, like how Bridget does. How’s work? Well, work is fine. Work is work and I am catching up to the speed. But socially? I think I have poor social skills.

Weird. I am a spontaneous person, with extensive usage of profanity in daily conversation, but it all disappear once I’m in a new environment. Logically, my colleagues are all older than me, bunch of professionals, and the women are the normal Malays. Once again, I am not going to have new friends to hangout with. Certainly not them. This thought turned me into the most innocent person in front of them. I became so naïve that it annoys me now. I humbled myself while I was learning new things in the office up to a point I feel like I am fooling myself. So tomorrow’s a new day. Julianna will be brave, bold, and fun maybe?

Whatever it is, I am going to make work fun for me. I admit I envy a new colleague of mine a bit. She can mix in with the rest so effortlessly. I can actually, but since they are not really of my age nor are they really of my kind (clubbing, drinking, cursing) and the bad side of me can never be unleashed when I’m with them, so I held back. I act innocent and stupid so I can learn as much as I can about work. Fuck, why do I complain so much? Just only a few more months before it all ends. Working is a wake up call for me, that I have to be prepared with getting scolded for my mistakes, and facing two faced asshole colleagues that won’t admit their mistakes and then try to blame it on me, so I have to be alert with all of this. Enjoy work, but perform the best, be the best, so I can never get blamed for anything.

I also ate lots of protein for the last 2 weeks, and vegetables surprisingly, forcing the carrots and broccoli down my throat, trying not to vomit it all out back, but the effort all boils down to me eating shit on the weekend. I eat like a pig. A fucking pig. I might as well go eat with the pigs and they’d never notice that I’m human, just from the way I eat. Haha. Sometimes I pressure myself to lose weight, I keep on touching my tummy and see how big it is, feeling all sad seeing how fat I am. I do know that if I put more effort, and control myself, I could easily lose all this weight and look pretty. I am not even obese, just overweight, so its not that hard to lose weight compared to others who are obese but still manage to lose weight. I can’t process the thought of having to enjoy my favourite food as a cheat meal, once in a while, as a permanent lifestyle, just so I can lose weight and maintain it, while others can eat whatever shit they want, how much they want, and never put on a fucking kilo. That’s how unfair life is. Fuck my life. Here I am, complaining more than ever.


Let me sleep

A bolster between my legs, a bantal busuk hugged tightly, a blanket wrapping me up from chest to toe, my sniffing the scent of pillow is somewhat soothing, and the soft friction between my skin and the bed…

And then the alarm rings.

I purposely set the alarm earlier than the time I am supposed to wake up so that I can happily sleep back, even for a while. I have attachment issues with my bed. I hate waking up from my sleep. I grunt and get pissed when I know I have to wake up. Not a good way to start the day, hence I am never a morning person. I don’t find joy in waking up early in the morning. Even though I get enough sleep, I still want to sleep more. I also do not have a water heater, so knowing that I have to brave through the fucking cold water, and by cold I mean ice cold, makes me hate waking up even more. This is such a negative post hahaha.

wake up


I get up at 7:10 mins (extra 10 mins matter!!!) an hour earlier spent on makeup and blow drying my hair. EVERYDAY. Yes, how different could it be from the usual routine of going to school early in the morning right? I have no idea, I don’t hate early mornings much back in high school I guess, I hate it more now. This week has been weird for me. I get tired from work, already jumping in my bed as soon as I arrived home, and sleeping before 12 am, which is way to early to sleep. 1 am, 2 am, is fine back then. Now, now I am 20 and sleeping like there’s no tomorrow. I can no longer stay awake for The Good Wife marathon, as I snored after 2 CDs and closed my eyes while it played on the laptop, ensuring myself that I would wake up again to watch, well I did not.

I imagine work later on would be hard to balance with having a fun life. Socializing, clubbing and other activities seem impossible if I put sleep first. Having sex also might be delayed when I’m married cause I’d just be dead asleep!!! Haha, dramatic. I need to do something more than having a same routine of work-home-sleep-work every single day. It kills me. I wanted to read more, workout more, and just grow mentally, for myself, during this long break. Maybe I should try keeping my eyes open for 2 hours before deciding to sleep, and fill the time with one of the activity I plan on doing.

stay awake


Entering the corporate world


I landed with a job in a corporate company about a week after I finished my final exam. I have already been searching for a job through MauKerja website and occasional walk ins, which leads me to a few interviews. There are only 2 reasons I didn’t get or want the jobs I applied previously,

  1. The salary is too low
  2. I’m not the suitable candidate

I was greedy. Julianna is a greedy little bitch. I search high and low for a job that will give me sufficient experience and something new to learn, alongside providing a better salary than the jobs I worked before. There are EPF & SOCSO that will be futher deducted from my salary, I am not greedy to spend the money, but to only make sure that I still have a reasonable amount left when deducted for me to put aside as savings. But I am worried as well as I don’t have any experience doing office work, had I only worked in places like Watsons, tuition teacher, beauty promoter, and retail sales related jobs. Interviews for those job are informal. This time, I prepared my resume a month before my finals end, and I excitedly applied to the jobs on MauKerja website, going to interviews, to only stumble when the interviewer asked me, “So tell me a little bit about yourself.” My mind went blank for 15 seconds. I’m not sure what to say, should I repeat what I typed on my resume? But its all there, so what’s the point asking me again? I went on with introducing my name and talking about my personality and previous working experience. It was short. I think I am doomed.

I went home face-palming at myself, and clicked on Youtube, Google for ways to introduce myself properly. My point is, now that I have learned it the embarrassing way, just a reminder to you and myself in the future, to always do your research because when you think you know enough already, you don’t. A few days later, I received a call from an insurance company I applied through the MauKerja, and passed the phone interview. There’s a second interview afterwards at the office located at a high tower building in the centre of Klang. They told me the interview would take about 3 hours, so I thought wow, this is a very serious and formal company. Little did I know that they did not describe thoroughly what the job I am applying for on the website, as I walked in to being pitched through a presentation that took 2 hours, telling me about a 10 years plan of being their insurance company partner. You know how annoying and persuading insurance people are right? I hate being one that’s for sure. Surprisingly, I was being honest the entire time, telling them how I have zero knowledge about insurance, how I am not sure if I am covered by insurance, or how I never buy into what an insurance sales person sell, but I think they like my honesty. Well I am a terrible liar anyway, so I cannot lie about things I don’t know.

Ok long story short, one day, I plan to enter every office in the BBT North Tower and apply for a job. While I’m at the 3rd floor, this particular office had already called me for an interview right away. The next day, Julianna starts working! I am your receptionist cum admin clerk. I have never did any office work before, so trust me when I say I am blur as fuck and just keep on trying to absorb everything as fast as I can. I wrote notes on Post-It and sticked it on the inside of my counter table until there’s no space left. I refer to my supervisor about anything I don’t understand, including how to transfer a phone call from a person to the other. That’s how stupid I am. It will annoy them I know, but to avoid mistakes I must do so. And I really enjoy learning from her, she trained me well with patience, and never once did she judged me for my dressing, or how I mistakenly called an older staff by her name, (Malays use Kak-female/Abang-male as a sign of respect to anyone older) (watched too much of The Good Wife).

I drink 2L of water everyday in the office, and another 1L at home. I pee for every 500mL I drank. And I have to inform my senior staff everytime I have to go to the toilet, how embarrassing, so she can replace me if anything. A simple job, one of the lower rank jobs compared to others in the office, but a big challenge for me, with many small details to remember, such as asking a Dato’ every morning when he enters if he wants a newspaper, or preparing drinks for when the partners of the company comes from overseas, those details. Communicating has been easy for me, but I still have a nerve wrack for every first time.

Do you all remember your first time working? How was it?

Counting days till 2018



2017-11-29 18:16:23.704

2017-11-30 15:43:37.236


I have been craving for the Terengganu keropok lekor for weeks but I settled for the usual keropok lekor sold at pasar malam. One day I bought a burger at the Ramly Mart, they sell both frozen products and have their own food kiosk, so I tried their keropok lekor. You know how Terengganu one is different from the usual right? It has more fish and tastes sooooo much better. Guess what! Ramly sells their own Terengganu keropok lekor for only RM6.80 a packet! Its hard for me not having a direct supply of keropok lekor from Terengganu so I’ll accept this haha.

It has been almost 4 months of me taking Doxycycline for my severe acne and I can say I am satisfied with it. There’s only 3-4 acne left on my cheeks, and the rest are acne scars. WHICH FRUSTRATES ME THE MOST. Scars take forever to completely disappear. I am now using Hiruscar Post Acne Gel and Hakubi White C plus (vitamin C supplement) to treat the scars. From my research, vitamin C is the best source to treat scars. There’s plenty of it in the form of serum and supplements, so choose which suits you best. I am happier now that when I put on makeup, the acne bumps are no longer there. I do struggle with dry skin and yes the scars of course. I don’t have the skills to cover em up with makeup yet 😂

And exams over! Phewww. 9 months long break before degree so I plan to work, lose weight, read more, and focus on building myself mentally also physically. We have a month left before 2018 begins, so let’s finish 2017 strong. I aim to workout intensely and do a strict diet, because I want to end 2017 feeling proud of myself. For now I am alternating between working out and eating afterwards so…..bitch when will you stop eating?!

What’s your plan?

Just breathe

Sometimes I question myself, “Why do I stay in my room so much when I can go out and witness a view like this?”

Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang


Since my paper starts at 11am today, I went to pick up my acne medicine at the GH pharmacy first thing in the morning. Arrive early, empty parking lot. I did this before when I attended my Psych appointments. Just walk around or sit and look at the view from this 3-storey parking lot. Very peaceful. Today, as I listened to Breathe (2AM) by Anna Nalick, one of the songs I used to listen back in the depressed days, this song has different meaning to me now. To just breathe, calm down, and think of nothing else, is such a privilege and a blessing. Nothing made me feel happy at the moment. In fact I am having tons of life problems. But looking up at the sky, as the sunrise, is what made me smile.

When I was in high school, my view from the class was the GH. I can see it clearly from afar, in the shape of Titanic funnily. It is the same feeling as I’m having now, a peaceful view, reminding me how little my problems are, and how life is so much more than worrying or caring what other people say of you.

🎶 Try listening to Japanese Denim by Daniel Caesar

As I Walk By 

Psychiatric Clinic

It all started in the early of 2016. Until the last 4 months, I have been prescribed with an antidepressant, Prozac, for a year and a half. What makes me able to get off my medication? Well, I just stopped going to the clinic. This government hospital won’t call or find you if you don’t come for the next appointment, they’re really packed and cannot keep up with everyone. One day, I just felt lazy to get up early for my appointment, and so, I don’t receive my prescribed antidepressants. I kinda let it go. I’m not saying I am no longer depressed, until today, I still am, and there’s still bad days for me, but its definitely getting better.

I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes. 

I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.

Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way.

Ain’t got no time for that.

Have you ever been in situations where you feel used? Are you the yes or the no person? By saying that, you just kinda say yes eventho it makes you feel used, or you say no straightaway to avoid being used. 

I am definitely a no person. I am known for having my mum’s car to move around plus being the only child, I do have plenty of  me-time. And people just loveeee taking advantage of my situation. I have a few friends who sometimes asks me for help to send them home or pick them up or accompany them do stuffs that doesn’t involve me. Once or twice is enough I think, and I am not the only solution they have am I right? We got Uber, Grab and somebody else that lives nearby their housing area, as a matter of fact, my house is the furthest from everyone, and I drive for 30 minutes to and fro. 

Some who I just met once or twice started inviting me to hangout but with an intention to help them reach a destination/do chores. I feel so disappointed when people do this repeatedly without having any guilt, as I am trying to connect and make some new friends. Imagine, a friend wants to hangout with me, and I felt so happy about it, but it turns out he just need help in delivering something. Others would often see me as an unpaid Grab driver who thinks I am doing charity work to send them home almost everyday. Don’t get me wrong, they ask for help a lot, too much, but I said no. This is important because you don’t want people to start getting comfortable and assume that you don’t mind, and eventually use you. It annoys me so much and makes me fed up. Please please pleaseeee be mindful and have some respect for other people’s time. Treat others as how you would want people to treat you. 

let me Grab you. 

Grab and Uber are the talk of the town nowaday. The easy access to using the app, cheap fares, and a thorough filter before you can be a driver for them is what makes people trust in these 2 apps.

I have been thinking of more ways to make money with a part-time job, and being a Grab driver sounds tempting. I have a car (my mum’s) and ample time secretly (keeping this a secret from my mum- she’d kill me if she knows that I am not focusing entirely on my finals in November). And so I download the Grab Driver app and was quite surprised on how strict the steps to becoming a Grab Driver.

There are 3 steps, which consist of registering information of your insurance covernote picture, a headshot picture of yourself, a picture of your ID and license, and also an online training which is to watch a video and take a 20 question quiz before proceeding to step 3 (I got 85% haha) . I managed to complete until step 2 before having to go to the Grab Driver Centre itself for a final registration. They stated from the beginning that the car used must only be manufactured in 2011 and above, or else you can’t be a driver. My car passed that.

I arrived at the centre in PJ, after queuing for 5 minutes, to only find out that my car model is not accepted 😒 the minimum car model is Axia. WTF! Haih I am so disappointed man. In step 1 & 2 I already gave my insurance covernote letter that states the car model I am driving. So if you are qualified to be a Grab/Uber driver, go for it! In this economy, having one job is irrelevant.