Here I am, after watching two Bridget Jones’s movie on TV today, and now continuing with the Bridget Jones’s Baby online while eating McDonalds. I have never relate so much with her, Bridget, knowing the fact that I’ll be playing All By Myself on New Year’s Eve. Oh stop it already. I am taking myself too serious and it gets boring. Gotta have some humour in life, like how Bridget does. How’s work? Well, work is fine. Work is work and I am catching up to the speed. But socially? I think I have poor social skills.
Weird. I am a spontaneous person, with extensive usage of profanity in daily conversation, but it all disappear once I’m in a new environment. Logically, my colleagues are all older than me, bunch of professionals, and the women are the normal Malays. Once again, I am not going to have new friends to hangout with. Certainly not them. This thought turned me into the most innocent person in front of them. I became so naïve that it annoys me now. I humbled myself while I was learning new things in the office up to a point I feel like I am fooling myself. So tomorrow’s a new day. Julianna will be brave, bold, and fun maybe?
Whatever it is, I am going to make work fun for me. I admit I envy a new colleague of mine a bit. She can mix in with the rest so effortlessly. I can actually, but since they are not really of my age nor are they really of my kind (clubbing, drinking, cursing) and the bad side of me can never be unleashed when I’m with them, so I held back. I act innocent and stupid so I can learn as much as I can about work. Fuck, why do I complain so much? Just only a few more months before it all ends. Working is a wake up call for me, that I have to be prepared with getting scolded for my mistakes, and facing two faced asshole colleagues that won’t admit their mistakes and then try to blame it on me, so I have to be alert with all of this. Enjoy work, but perform the best, be the best, so I can never get blamed for anything.
I also ate lots of protein for the last 2 weeks, and vegetables surprisingly, forcing the carrots and broccoli down my throat, trying not to vomit it all out back, but the effort all boils down to me eating shit on the weekend. I eat like a pig. A fucking pig. I might as well go eat with the pigs and they’d never notice that I’m human, just from the way I eat. Haha. Sometimes I pressure myself to lose weight, I keep on touching my tummy and see how big it is, feeling all sad seeing how fat I am. I do know that if I put more effort, and control myself, I could easily lose all this weight and look pretty. I am not even obese, just overweight, so its not that hard to lose weight compared to others who are obese but still manage to lose weight. I can’t process the thought of having to enjoy my favourite food as a cheat meal, once in a while, as a permanent lifestyle, just so I can lose weight and maintain it, while others can eat whatever shit they want, how much they want, and never put on a fucking kilo. That’s how unfair life is. Fuck my life. Here I am, complaining more than ever.