Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t. 

The look on her face

I had been skipping schools for almost a month, just right before my 1st semester examination. Depression hit me hard at the time. I started on Prozac by then. I tried to study on whatever I can, and took the exam. Next, school holiday starts.

I became more depressed. No more study pressure. I am lost in my own mind, hiding in my room. I watched movies over and over again on my laptop. Can’t read because it’s so hard to focus. Anxiety and restlessness hits me hard during midnight up until morning, which causes me to wake up around afternoon almost everyday. It got so bad that I had no motivation to get out of bed and shower, for 2 days straight. My mum was screaming when she came back home, seeing me like this. 

I can’t forget her look when she saw me few days later, awoke, cleaning up my wardrobe. I think she almost want to cry. To see the look on her face, seeing me finally getting out of bed, and doing something, even if it seems so simple to you, but so so big to my dearest mum. She knows that I am taking a baby step towards battling depression.

I’m not saying that I am 100% better now. There’s always ups and downs. But at least I am moving on now, trying to overcome depression in every step I take. Just don’t expect immediate results. We’re not robots who can programmed in minutes. We need time. Just don’t get too caught up with time as well. 

So what’s good 2017?

I want to have absolutely no regrets. Yes, this year, to risk everything and regret nothing. 

You know how the events that you’d never expect to happen in your life, such as, a career change, marrying not your current boyfriend/girlfriend, etc, well a lot of that kind of event happened to me in 2016. From Science to Arts stream, from Matriculation to STPM, and so so many more, but here I am. Still standing on my own. 2016 has been mindblowing. All the things that I never expect to happen, happened. Too many bad memories in 2016, but I am glad to say that I learned.

Julianna on Prozac

My second wave of depression has lead me to Prozac. In my previous post, I stated what is Prozac, and in this post I am going to share with you why I need it and how’s my reaction to it so far.

One night, I was crying non-stop, feeling so anxious, walking around my room, and feeling suicidal. I know something must be wrong with me this time. I am crying again, but I don’t know why. Or maybe I don’t want to know why. I have to get help. I need to go to the Emergency Department for this. And that’s how I landed with Prozac in my mouth. The doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac for 1 week. Before reaching 1 week, I was admitted to the GH for 5 days because I had viral fever. 39.5C plus with a 160 heart rate sent me straight to the Red Zone. I stopped my meds for a while because I didn’t expect to be admitted. After being warded, I got another prescription of 40mg Prozac for 1 month. Now, I’m on 60mg Prozac for 1 month.

1st Week of 20mg Prozac (1 pill)

  • The crying stopped
  • I am mostly emotionless

1st Month of 40mg Prozac (2 pills)

  • Having  a hard time to fall asleep for the first 2 weeks. I slept around 4-5am.
  • I have anxiety at night time, especially when I couldn’t sleep. THIS SERIOUSLY SUCKS. I am rolling on my bed here and there feeling anxious plus cannot sleep and I don’t know what to do.
  • Less crying, but it sucks when you want to cry but cannot haha. I also cried suddenly at times.
  • Towards the end of the month, I had a fucking headache that made me not stable to stand and walk. Vomited twice. Not sure if its the Prozac effect or nah.

1st Week of 60mg Prozac (3 pills)

  • The headache continues. I’ve been prescribed meds for it but it only helps me sleep. After that, I am feeling unstable again, and if I shift my head from a position too fast, I will start feeling even worse and nauseous.
  • Sleeps more. Because of the headache and lack of motivation.
  • Feeling extremely happy sometimes.
  • Less anxious.

So that’s how it goes. Thank you for reading!

 

 

Hey I’m back

Ayyyyyyyyyy.

I am super duper sorry for being MIA for so long, well, I have been through rough times of my life, my depression came back. 

WTF.

How dare you depression you came back?! I did not invite Mr. D to my party at all ok.  I had it before and I got well, but now I have no idea why I am having depression again, but I consulted my psych and the best thing for me now is to consume medication. 

Prozac or Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant that I am taking. It’s an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor), which functions to lift up my mood. To ease your understanding, go watch a Youtube video of it, you’ll understand better.  

I wish to share my experience with you guys because I think it’ll help those who are trying to understand what depression feels like and plus we can support each other in here. Right? 

What about you? Tell me your story. 

Suicide

KLANG-4th OCTOBER 2015, A man committed suicide in a local mall. From the witness who saw the incident happened, the man jumped from the 3rd floor without hesitation.

“Another suicide?! That mall is going to be haunted la!”
“He crazy or what?! Must got mental problem. So scared.”
“So stupid! Why go kill yourself? Problems can be settled.”
Nobody asked why the guy commited suicide. Or what he was thinking at that time, what made him do it, and whether he has a mental problem or not. See, this is what we overlooked. We are so used to thinking that everything is okay, until we never want to admit or accept when something is wrong. Malaysians have a hard time accepting the fact that people can have mental problems. I spoke to lots of parents admitting that they would be ashamed if their child had a mental problem. My teacher shared with me about some of her students, and a nephew had the signs of having a mental problem. We talked about getting their parents to bring their child to the psychiatrist. My teacher said that their parents would never accept the fact that their child might be having a mental problem. Most parents are still in doubt of bringing their child to the psychiatrist for an evaluation.
To Malaysians,
mental problem = gila/crazy
Having mental problems is equal to being in Hospital Bahagia, being abandoned by family members, and not being able to take care of themselves.
What a shame. I pity those who never got the chance to at least recover and learn how to handle their mental health. Especially children, because they are still very young and they have much bigger chance of coping and recovering with whatever mental problems they might have. Why don’t we treat mental problem the same as other diseases? It also links to other health problems too!
Let’s say if Patient E had a breast cancer. The patient would be advised that there is still hope, and not to be sad, and all the encouragements. Why? Because the doctor wouldn’t want the patient to start getting depressed of her health, because that will only worsen her health. Vice versa, mental health could also link you to other health problems. We need to realise this is real, it is happening, it is spreading even worse, in this world. We cannot leave these people behind. We must stand by their side, supporting every ups and downs. We can’t compare other people’s life with ours and the way we handle it. That is unfair. We all live a different life, a different struggle. What’s even worse is getting pushed out and not accepted by our closest ones when we have a mental problem.
REALISE NOW.

Book Therapy

After breaking my fast, I went to the Popular bookstore just because I miss being surrounded with books. The only way for me not to spend so much buying books, is too spend my time sitting in there and read them. 

Whenever you feel unmotivated, overwhelmed, or you just need a me time ;

💃🏻 Go to your nearest bookstore

Now find the inspirational books section, and find this book. 


This book is filled with motivational quotes! Sounds boring. But you’d never know that you need some push to always keep that dream alive, your spirit alive. Or you can just find any other books that is filled with quotes too.

Next, close your eyes, randomly flip the pages and using your index finger, land it on random pages! Now open your eyes and read the quotes out loud. Don’t blame me if you’re in tears after that.

Here’s what I got, randomly.


I seriously almost cried reading these. Some of it relates to me so much that I feel a spark of hope again. I was smiling on my own, feeling so happy. When life seems a bit dull, you should do this and keep things alive again. This book is for MYR37+ 😊 


Happy

No matter how fucked up my life is currently, I am still happy for every and each one of you that has been in my life. Always have. 

Distance and life may have separated us, but I am always here, feeling so proud of what yall have achieved today. Good and bad memories have made me understand life. 

Understand my life. 

I will always be close to someone, and they will always somehow go away. That is a lesson. I will never regret knowing someone. They’ve all teached me a lesson. We’ve all been through a lot. 

We often ask ourselves, what made us separate to our own ways? The answer is life. It fucks up and that’s just how it is. We can never know the reason, but we will try to adapt and put one foot in front of the other, to continue surviving in this cruel and beautiful world. 

If I were to correct my mistakes, to explain everything over and over again, I will never grow up. Sometimes you stop explaining, sometimes you stop talking. You let silence take over the situation. I learned that you can’t please everyone. 

I let go of those who won’t be there for me as how I would be there for them. I’m so done explaining my situation, this fucking depression, and the only person that will understand is my psychiatrist. 

We will end up just smiling and nodding to each other whenever we passed by, but that’s okay. Life must go on. I just hope that I will meet more crazy and different people soon! 

Whenever we meet again in a different world, I won’t remember any of the bad things that happened, I will ask how was your day and laughed to any of your jokes.

Going to find crazy and different people like me!