It all started in the early of 2016. Until the last 4 months, I have been prescribed with an antidepressant, Prozac, for a year and a half. What makes me able to get off my medication? Well, I just stopped going to the clinic. This government hospital won’t call or find you if you don’t come for the next appointment, they’re really packed and cannot keep up with everyone. One day, I just felt lazy to get up early for my appointment, and so, I don’t receive my prescribed antidepressants. I kinda let it go. I’m not saying I am no longer depressed, until today, I still am, and there’s still bad days for me, but its definitely getting better.
I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes.
I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.
Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way.