Julianna is a loner

I have a small family, and I live with only my mum. Just the two of us in a big house that can fit more haha. I do everything alone. Which means, by myself, not accompanied by anyone as my mother spends half of her day at work, 7 days a week. 

At the age of 20, being able to drive and all, I gotta do things on my own. Cannot expect my mother to pay all the bills etc right? My daily routine consists of me going to college. After 3pm I am free to do anything. I either will sleep or study at home, or go to the mall to buy some stuff, or sit at McDonalds and study. By 6:30pm I have to go pick up my mom from work. I usually go to the gym around 8pm. And that’s it. 

A friend asked, what does it feel like to do things alone? Now, I understand that most of the people I know have a number of siblings and they sometimes envy me hahaha for having a lot of me time. I personally am not a fan of having many siblings. I am used to being alone and independent since I was a kid. Some thinks that it is sad or not fun going out alone. Well, I do have friends to hangout with, but they all study far away and have their own life to handle. I can’t force them to come and hangout with me just because I am alone, right? That’s quite a simple logic. I want to do a lot of fun things, like watching the latest movies at the cinema, cafe hopping in Klang, and workout. Isn’t a it a waste of time to be waiting for someone to accompany you do things while you yourself can actually go do them on your own? I communicate and be all crazy when in college with my classmates, yes I do. The reality is when I go home, I am alone. I cannot be waiting for a partner in order for me to enjoy life. When they come, sure, we’ll do it together. But for now, Julianna don’t wait. Julianna actually hates waiting. Hehe. 

No Rush

Because people show different sides of them to different kind of people, so it takes times to get to know them all. 

Have you ever wondered why is it that your only true friends are the ones you’ve fought with? Because we have seen almost all sides of them. The good one, sad, happy, and bad ones. And after all that, if you stick with them, then that’s a good sign. 

That’s how I think we should apply in getting to know people or maybe your partner. Of course we’d all want a happy moment to be cherished but if we don’t see both sides of the coin of a person, how are we supposed to know them from inside and out? It takes a long time. In the end, it’s like gambling. You can try the best tricks to make it work but if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen. Although I believe we should try to give all of our efforts before giving in.  

Just a thought for tonight. 

1 week off socmed

I’ve uninstalled Whatsapp before for 2 days before surrendering and I end up receiving lots of notifications and just laughing to myself that there are people who seeks for me. Hihi. 

Now I am officially off from Whatsapp, Instagram and Twitter for 1 good week. I was thinking of making it 2 weeks but nah that is too long as I might miss some important shits. 


I am 30 minutes early to 3rd April but yeah that’s when the countdown starts! 

3/4/2017-9/4/2017

No peeking nor emergency installing the apps back. I notify only my mum to iMessage me instead of Whatsapp. That’s what only matters. In the meantime, all of my free time spent not on social media, I will read books and study and actually think! And not just scroll past through pictures etc. Gonna spend a quality time with my mind and soul. I have been incredibly emotional for the past few days and a lot have been going through my mind. Let’s take a break and really study Julianna. How was your experience doing this before? 

Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t. 

The look on her face

I had been skipping schools for almost a month, just right before my 1st semester examination. Depression hit me hard at the time. I started on Prozac by then. I tried to study on whatever I can, and took the exam. Next, school holiday starts.

I became more depressed. No more study pressure. I am lost in my own mind, hiding in my room. I watched movies over and over again on my laptop. Can’t read because it’s so hard to focus. Anxiety and restlessness hits me hard during midnight up until morning, which causes me to wake up around afternoon almost everyday. It got so bad that I had no motivation to get out of bed and shower, for 2 days straight. My mum was screaming when she came back home, seeing me like this. 

I can’t forget her look when she saw me few days later, awoke, cleaning up my wardrobe. I think she almost want to cry. To see the look on her face, seeing me finally getting out of bed, and doing something, even if it seems so simple to you, but so so big to my dearest mum. She knows that I am taking a baby step towards battling depression.

I’m not saying that I am 100% better now. There’s always ups and downs. But at least I am moving on now, trying to overcome depression in every step I take. Just don’t expect immediate results. We’re not robots who can programmed in minutes. We need time. Just don’t get too caught up with time as well. 

So what’s good 2017?

I want to have absolutely no regrets. Yes, this year, to risk everything and regret nothing. 

You know how the events that you’d never expect to happen in your life, such as, a career change, marrying not your current boyfriend/girlfriend, etc, well a lot of that kind of event happened to me in 2016. From Science to Arts stream, from Matriculation to STPM, and so so many more, but here I am. Still standing on my own. 2016 has been mindblowing. All the things that I never expect to happen, happened. Too many bad memories in 2016, but I am glad to say that I learned.

The truth

As the Japanese says, 


Yes, hello my friends from high school, my classmates, everyone, who’s reading this post. The truth to be spilled out today!

I’m a bitch. I’m a saint. I’m heartless. I’m weak. I have different faces that I put when dealing with different people. Right now, I put the saint face with my classmates. Most of them don’t know how a bitch I am and how I cursed A LOT. Nowhere near saint huh? Secondly, I am a bitch when I’m comfortable with someone, to show my alter ego, and not being afraid of them judging me. Thirdly, I can be as heartless as you can imagine. Sometimes, I ignore kids crying just because I feel that it annoys me. Yeap phew there you go. Why do I, do we, put on different faces with different people? We all do. Admit it. You may not realize it. Well, that is how we adapt. We be more polite with a more classy people around us. We be a badass with those who enjoys life to the fullest. I know who I am when I’m driving alone. Only I know that. It is not easy to find someone who can accept you the way you really are. We’ve been denying our weakness, but deep down, we know. 

So who you are tonight?

šŸ˜‰ 

HeartbrokenĀ 

Tonight I’m eating pizza and watching Grey’s Anatomy. I love watching Grey’s Anatomy. I watched it religiously since I’m in high school. It’s the movie that makes you want to be somebody. Grey’s Anatomy makes me want to be a doctor. The thrill, the sacrifices, the hardwork, and the joy of making others smile, even when you don’t get the credit.

Tonight I’m watching this and thinking how sad I am, that I can never pursue my dream ever again. A lot happened. I am never a brilliant student. What I do is that I always push myself to do something bigger than myself. I go against me. I have to earn what I want. I struggle with Mathematics while loving Science, convincing myself that I can do it. Then depression hits me and everything falls down. Boom. Now, I’m pursuing law. Deep down, I am still in love with medicine. It hurts so much that I can’t be in love with it anymore. I stopped following all the cool doctors on Instagram, I avoid getting updates about medic on Twitter, I avoid any medical related shits, so that it wouldn’t remind me of my crushed dream. 

I always cannot imagine me not becoming what I always wanted. But that happens today. Sad and depressing yes, and I am still living, still okay.

I hope this journey lands me somewhere I know I have done everything I can that’ll make me satisfied with my life. 

I’m numb.