As I Walk By 

Psychiatric Clinic

It all started in the early of 2016. Until the last 4 months, I have been prescribed with an antidepressant, Prozac, for a year and a half. What makes me able to get off my medication? Well, I just stopped going to the clinic. This government hospital won’t call or find you if you don’t come for the next appointment, they’re really packed and cannot keep up with everyone. One day, I just felt lazy to get up early for my appointment, and so, I don’t receive my prescribed antidepressants. I kinda let it go. I’m not saying I am no longer depressed, until today, I still am, and there’s still bad days for me, but its definitely getting better. 

I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes. 

I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.

 Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way. 

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Ain’t got no time for that.

Have you ever been in situations where you feel used? Are you the yes or the no person? By saying that, you just kinda say yes eventho it makes you feel used, or you say no straightaway to avoid being used. 

I am definitely a no person. I am known for having my mum’s car to move around plus being the only child, I do have plenty of  me-time. And people just loveeee taking advantage of my situation. I have a few friends who sometimes asks me for help to send them home or pick them up or accompany them do stuffs that doesn’t involve me. Once or twice is enough I think, and I am not the only solution they have am I right? We got Uber, Grab and somebody else that lives nearby their housing area, as a matter of fact, my house is the furthest from everyone, and I drive for 30 minutes to and fro. 

Some who I just met once or twice started inviting me to hangout but with an intention to help them reach a destination/do chores. I feel so disappointed when people do this repeatedly without having any guilt, as I am trying to connect and make some new friends. Imagine, a friend wants to hangout with me, and I felt so happy about it, but it turns out he just need help in delivering something. Others would often see me as an unpaid Grab driver who thinks I am doing charity work to send them home almost everyday. Don’t get me wrong, they ask for help a lot, too much, but I said no. This is important because you don’t want people to start getting comfortable and assume that you don’t mind, and eventually use you. It annoys me so much and makes me fed up. Please please pleaseeee be mindful and have some respect for other people’s time. Treat others as how you would want people to treat you. 

Let’s talk about Kyo- the club 

A memorable and fun 20s. I have long list of things I want to do and this post is about one of it in the list. If you have been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I am a true loner. Clubbing alone? Its not that surprising in other countries but in Malaysia, I am kind of breaking the stereotype by going alone haha! They say, if you want to go clubbing, you have to call up some friends and book a table. True, but this doesn’t work for everyone right? 

For example, if you’re a newbie in your area and want to discover the nightlife, this sounds weird to do. Or me for another example, I don’t have enough friends to go clubbing with. Friends I have, but friends for clubbing I don’t. They practice Islam and I understand that. I have been so eager to dance in a loud music environment and ain’t nothing gonna stop me! 

Kyo/Ren Club @ Mandarin Oriental 

Kyo and Ren is under the same club but different concept. They separate both space. Kyo is for hip hop music while Ren is disco/trance music I think. I Wazed straight away to the parking lot and it lead me to KLCC parking lot haha I was confused for a while but I asked the guard how to go to MO. I walked down through KLCC park and reached MO. Please park in the MO parking lot itself and not the KLCC parking lot. It gets confusing walking from Kyo, half drunk, tryna find where the fuck is my car haha. 

Inside Ren

Main entrance to Mandarin Oriental Hotel

Entrance to Kyo, which is just beside the main entrance


I arrived early, around 10:45 pm and the ushers let me sit for a while in the Ren area. Here’s what Kyo looks like! 



Complimentary entrance for the ladies only! Cover charge for men around RM40-RM60 depending on the time you enter. Masuklah before 1am ok? 

Clubbing alone

You look weird when you think you look weird. Imagine yourself seeing a guy/woman standing by the bar enjoying their own drinks and being comfortable with themselves, does it look weird to you? Exactly, they don’t. So that’s how it applies to you as well. If you feel like wanting to dance, drink, and just have a good time, go for it. Remember, 1-2 drinks is enough for you to drive back home, or sober enough to call Grab/Uber. Stay safe always and be alert with your drinks and your purse! 

There is no free seating in Kyo unless you reserve it first. You can stand at the bar or just walk around and dance. 

Tips : Don’t come too early if you’re alone. I thought there’d be a line up if I come around 11pm but nope nothing. The dance floor is still empty at 12am. Around 1-2am is better. 

Procrastinate no more- DAY 5

DAY 5 :

Workout ✔️ Study ❌ No Fast Food ✔️

DAY 6 :

Workout ✔️ Study ✔️ No Fast Food ✔️

DAY 7 :

Workout ❌ Study ❌ No Fast Food ✔️  

Damn I sure fucked up Day 7! On the last day, I actually went to the gym, but found out my gym membership has already expired and was kicked out. Haha dramatic. But I just don’t have the money to continue it yet. So the poor Julianna drives back home and continue eating. Boo hoo. The frustration of being prepared for a gym session only to be denied entrance….and that’s why I hate not having sufficient money. Being honest with you, I am a person who always finds a way to make money. I’m always thinking of what can I do to earn money. I have my Carousell account where I sell my belongings. I do part time jobs as well. I don’t like having to ask my mum for money everytime I want to go out. I personally feel that I don’t deserve to ask my mum for money just so that I can go out and have fun. You know what I mean? I feel less of a burden when I know that I am using my own earned money. My mum did pay for my gym membership when I first started, but as time goes by I paid for it using my own money. Ahhh feels good to say that. 

My own money means that I did a job to get em’ papers. Filling up the gas for my mum as well. I wish I have more to buy a car so that I can stop using my mum’s car. Soon enough, with sufficient savings, I’ll move out, get a place of my own. A rented room works for me. Not dreaming of a fancy place. A rented room is cheap, and I can have my own personal space, be even more independent than I already am now, and maybe use Grab all the time since I won’t be owning a car any time soon. How does that sound? 

The picture is not related to this blog post. Just a throwback to a concert, where Alextbh performed. It was beautiful 😭

Procrastinate no more- DAY 1

Good morning yall! A bright and sunny Sunday ☀️ I thank thee Lord 🙏🏻 I hit the gym today feeling pumped up after drinking a can of Red Bull (need more of those). I actually went to the gym at 5am and forgot that they opened up at 7am on a Sunday, which frustrates me so much, and I had to drive all the way back to my house, so I decided to do the laundry while waiting for the gym to open up. 

My workout routine today consists of :

  • Running
  • Cycling
  • Stairs (the most tiring machine ever)
  • Leg press

All done in about 1 hour 30 minutes as I have to rush back home again. Whilst I’m writing this, I’m going to continue doing Eagle Abs and Reverse Crunch at home. The stairs was my first time, and I swear to God it makes your heart beats so fast in 2 minutes, burn the calories faster, also makes you go “God I can’t do this anymore, I’m dying.” Or is it just me? Haha. Good day coming ahead! ☺️

Study ✔️

Workout ✔️

No fast food ✔️

Julianna is a loner

I have a small family, and I live with only my mum. Just the two of us in a big house that can fit more haha. I do everything alone. Which means, by myself, not accompanied by anyone as my mother spends half of her day at work, 7 days a week. 

At the age of 20, being able to drive and all, I gotta do things on my own. Cannot expect my mother to pay all the bills etc right? My daily routine consists of me going to college. After 3pm I am free to do anything. I either will sleep or study at home, or go to the mall to buy some stuff, or sit at McDonalds and study. By 6:30pm I have to go pick up my mom from work. I usually go to the gym around 8pm. And that’s it. 

A friend asked, what does it feel like to do things alone? Now, I understand that most of the people I know have a number of siblings and they sometimes envy me hahaha for having a lot of me time. I personally am not a fan of having many siblings. I am used to being alone and independent since I was a kid. Some thinks that it is sad or not fun going out alone. Well, I do have friends to hangout with, but they all study far away and have their own life to handle. I can’t force them to come and hangout with me just because I am alone, right? That’s quite a simple logic. I want to do a lot of fun things, like watching the latest movies at the cinema, cafe hopping in Klang, and workout. Isn’t a it a waste of time to be waiting for someone to accompany you do things while you yourself can actually go do them on your own? I communicate and be all crazy when in college with my classmates, yes I do. The reality is when I go home, I am alone. I cannot be waiting for a partner in order for me to enjoy life. When they come, sure, we’ll do it together. But for now, Julianna don’t wait. Julianna actually hates waiting. Hehe. 

No Rush

Because people show different sides of them to different kind of people, so it takes times to get to know them all. 

Have you ever wondered why is it that your only true friends are the ones you’ve fought with? Because we have seen almost all sides of them. The good one, sad, happy, and bad ones. And after all that, if you stick with them, then that’s a good sign. 

That’s how I think we should apply in getting to know people or maybe your partner. Of course we’d all want a happy moment to be cherished but if we don’t see both sides of the coin of a person, how are we supposed to know them from inside and out? It takes a long time. In the end, it’s like gambling. You can try the best tricks to make it work but if it’s not meant to be then it won’t happen. Although I believe we should try to give all of our efforts before giving in.  

Just a thought for tonight. 

1 week off socmed

I’ve uninstalled Whatsapp before for 2 days before surrendering and I end up receiving lots of notifications and just laughing to myself that there are people who seeks for me. Hihi. 

Now I am officially off from Whatsapp, Instagram and Twitter for 1 good week. I was thinking of making it 2 weeks but nah that is too long as I might miss some important shits. 


I am 30 minutes early to 3rd April but yeah that’s when the countdown starts! 

3/4/2017-9/4/2017

No peeking nor emergency installing the apps back. I notify only my mum to iMessage me instead of Whatsapp. That’s what only matters. In the meantime, all of my free time spent not on social media, I will read books and study and actually think! And not just scroll past through pictures etc. Gonna spend a quality time with my mind and soul. I have been incredibly emotional for the past few days and a lot have been going through my mind. Let’s take a break and really study Julianna. How was your experience doing this before? 

Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t.