As I Walk Byย 

Psychiatric Clinic

It all started in the early of 2016. Until the last 4 months, I have been prescribed with an antidepressant, Prozac, for a year and a half. What makes me able to get off my medication? Well, I just stopped going to the clinic. This government hospital won’t call or find you if you don’t come for the next appointment, they’re really packed and cannot keep up with everyone. One day, I just felt lazy to get up early for my appointment, and so, I don’t receive my prescribed antidepressants. I kinda let it go. I’m not saying I am no longer depressed, until today, I still am, and there’s still bad days for me, but its definitely getting better. 

I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes. 

I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.

 Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way. 

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let me Grab you.ย 



Grab and Uber are the talk of the town nowaday. The easy access to using the app, cheap fares, and a thorough filter before you can be a driver for them is what makes people trust in these 2 apps. 

I have been thinking of more ways to make money with a part-time job, and being a Grab driver sounds tempting. I have a car (my mum’s) and ample time secretly (keeping this a secret from my mum- she’d kill me if she knows that I am not focusing entirely on my finals in November). And so I download the Grab Driver app and was quite surprised on how strict the steps to becoming a Grab Driver. 

There are 3 steps, which consist of registering information of your insurance covernote picture, a headshot picture of yourself, a picture of your ID and license, and also an online training which is to watch a video and take a 20 question quiz before proceeding to step 3 (I got 85% haha) . I managed to complete until step 2 before having to go to the Grab Driver Centre itself for a final registration. They stated from the beginning that the car used must only be manufactured in 2011 and above, or else you can’t be a driver. My car passed that. 

I arrived at the centre in PJ, after queuing for 5 minutes, to only find out that my car model is not accepted ๐Ÿ˜’ the minimum car model is Axia. WTF! Haih I am so disappointed man. In step 1 & 2 I already gave my insurance covernote letter that states the car model I am driving. So if you are qualified to be a Grab/Uber driver, go for it! In this economy, having one job is irrelevant. 

Let’s talk about Kyo- the clubย 

A memorable and fun 20s. I have long list of things I want to do and this post is about one of it in the list. If you have been keeping up with my blog, you would know that I am a true loner. Clubbing alone? Its not that surprising in other countries but in Malaysia, I am kind of breaking the stereotype by going alone haha! They say, if you want to go clubbing, you have to call up some friends and book a table. True, but this doesn’t work for everyone right? 

For example, if you’re a newbie in your area and want to discover the nightlife, this sounds weird to do. Or me for another example, I don’t have enough friends to go clubbing with. Friends I have, but friends for clubbing I don’t. They practice Islam and I understand that. I have been so eager to dance in a loud music environment and ain’t nothing gonna stop me! 

Kyo/Ren Club @ Mandarin Oriental 

Kyo and Ren is under the same club but different concept. They separate both space. Kyo is for hip hop music while Ren is disco/trance music I think. I Wazed straight away to the parking lot and it lead me to KLCC parking lot haha I was confused for a while but I asked the guard how to go to MO. I walked down through KLCC park and reached MO. Please park in the MO parking lot itself and not the KLCC parking lot. It gets confusing walking from Kyo, half drunk, tryna find where the fuck is my car haha. 

Inside Ren

Main entrance to Mandarin Oriental Hotel

Entrance to Kyo, which is just beside the main entrance


I arrived early, around 10:45 pm and the ushers let me sit for a while in the Ren area. Here’s what Kyo looks like! 



Complimentary entrance for the ladies only! Cover charge for men around RM40-RM60 depending on the time you enter. Masuklah before 1am ok? 

Clubbing alone

You look weird when you think you look weird. Imagine yourself seeing a guy/woman standing by the bar enjoying their own drinks and being comfortable with themselves, does it look weird to you? Exactly, they don’t. So that’s how it applies to you as well. If you feel like wanting to dance, drink, and just have a good time, go for it. Remember, 1-2 drinks is enough for you to drive back home, or sober enough to call Grab/Uber. Stay safe always and be alert with your drinks and your purse! 

There is no free seating in Kyo unless you reserve it first. You can stand at the bar or just walk around and dance. 

Tips : Don’t come too early if you’re alone. I thought there’d be a line up if I come around 11pm but nope nothing. The dance floor is still empty at 12am. Around 1-2am is better. 

This is for you Aubrey!

A sweet girl named Aubrey requested for me to do a more thorough review on the 6 matte lip creams that I won from Kamelia Cosmetics. Sure girl! Anything for you. And to be just clear, I will be 100% honest of how I feel after quite some time using their matte lip creams ๐Ÿ˜‰

Okay by the first swipe, the colour is seriously pigmented. The lip applicator though is a bit hard for me to line my lips, it’s not that precise, I suggest you girls wear a lip liner first and then only you apply the MLC. Always, always, scrub your lips or use a wet cloth after shower for a smooth sexy looking matte lips ๐Ÿ‘„ I love how the MLC stays for a long time and the infused Argan oil feels good whenever I apply it. I have a sensitive skin so I usually can feel the reaction on my lips if there’s something funny with the lipstick, but not with Mermaid Matte Lip Cream! Also, it does not smudge easily. It stays put. Loveeeee ๐Ÿ˜ 

The cons of the lip cream is, after eating, the colour changes a bit. Especially if I eat oily food. Some other lipstick would get off, but this one, the colour becomes ugly and one time I actually didn’t notice this happening! So embarrassed gosh. My lips look like I ate a sugar donut icing haha. I strongly suggest that after eating etc, check your lips and always bring a wet tissue or a makeup remover to wipe off the mess and apply a new layer! Leceh lah  untuk I to be honest, lagi-lagi bila kat sekolah kan, tak sedar that my lips nampak macam apa je ๐Ÿ˜ญ jadi kena prepare check and betulkan my lipstick. If you want to wear this, I remind you again, bring a small mirror and wet tissue just if anything goes wrong!! 


From the top : Pearl, Nixie, Ariel, Jewel

I love the first 3 shades!!! Can mix & match. Jewel doesn’t suit me ๐Ÿ˜‚ there’s another 2 shades but I gave it to my girlfriends hehe. If you are not a fan of a strong scent of lipstick, this is perfect for you. It has this sweet soft scent, and no you won’t be able to taste the scent on your lips. 

*RM39 each (Instagram : @kameliacosmetics) 

Thank you for reading ๐Ÿ’‹

The look on her face

I had been skipping schools for almost a month, just right before my 1st semester examination. Depression hit me hard at the time. I started on Prozac by then. I tried to study on whatever I can, and took the exam. Next, school holiday starts.

I became more depressed. No more study pressure. I am lost in my own mind, hiding in my room. I watched movies over and over again on my laptop. Can’t read because it’s so hard to focus. Anxiety and restlessness hits me hard during midnight up until morning, which causes me to wake up around afternoon almost everyday. It got so bad that I had no motivation to get out of bed and shower, for 2 days straight. My mum was screaming when she came back home, seeing me like this. 

I can’t forget her look when she saw me few days later, awoke, cleaning up my wardrobe. I think she almost want to cry. To see the look on her face, seeing me finally getting out of bed, and doing something, even if it seems so simple to you, but so so big to my dearest mum. She knows that I am taking a baby step towards battling depression.

I’m not saying that I am 100% better now. There’s always ups and downs. But at least I am moving on now, trying to overcome depression in every step I take. Just don’t expect immediate results. We’re not robots who can programmed in minutes. We need time. Just don’t get too caught up with time as well. 

So what’s good 2017?

I want to have absolutely no regrets. Yes, this year, to risk everything and regret nothing. 

You know how the events that you’d never expect to happen in your life, such as, a career change, marrying not your current boyfriend/girlfriend, etc, well a lot of that kind of event happened to me in 2016. From Science to Arts stream, from Matriculation to STPM, and so so many more, but here I am. Still standing on my own. 2016 has been mindblowing. All the things that I never expect to happen, happened. Too many bad memories in 2016, but I am glad to say that I learned.

Julianna on Prozac

My second wave of depression has lead me to Prozac.ย In my previous post, I stated what isย Prozac,ย and in this post I am going to share with you why I need it and how’s my reaction to it so far.

One night, I was crying non-stop, feeling so anxious, walking around my room, and feeling suicidal. I know something must be wrong with me this time. I am crying again, but I don’t know why. Or maybe I don’t want to know why. I have to get help. I need to go to the Emergency Department for this. And that’s how I landed with Prozac in my mouth. The doctor gave me a prescription for Prozac for 1 week. Before reaching 1 week, I was admitted to the GH for 5 days because I had viral fever. 39.5C plus with a 160 heart rate sent me straight to the Red Zone. I stopped my meds for a while because I didn’t expect to be admitted. After being warded, I got another prescription of 40mg Prozac for 1 month. Now, I’m on 60mg Prozac for 1 month.

1st Week of 20mg Prozac (1 pill)

  • The crying stopped
  • I am mostly emotionless

1st Month of 40mg Prozac (2 pills)

  • Having ย a hard time to fall asleep for the first 2 weeks. I slept around 4-5am.
  • I have anxiety at night time, especially when I couldn’t sleep. THIS SERIOUSLY SUCKS. I am rolling on my bed here and there feeling anxious plus cannot sleep and I don’t know what to do.
  • Less crying, but it sucks when you want to cry but cannot haha. I also cried suddenly at times.
  • Towards the end of the month, I had a fucking headache that made me not stable to stand and walk. Vomited twice. Not sure if its the Prozac effect or nah.

1st Week of 60mg Prozac (3 pills)

  • The headache continues. I’ve been prescribed meds for it but it only helps me sleep. After that, I am feeling unstable again, and if I shift my head from a position too fast, I will start feeling even worse and nauseous.
  • Sleeps more. Because of the headache and lack of motivation.
  • Feeling extremely happy sometimes.
  • Less anxious.

So that’s how it goes. Thank you for reading!

 

 

Hey I’m back

Ayyyyyyyyyy.

I am super duper sorry for being MIA for so long, well, I have been through rough times of my life, my depression came back. 

WTF.

How dare you depression you came back?! I did not invite Mr. D to my party at all ok.  I had it before and I got well, but now I have no idea why I am having depression again, but I consulted my psych and the best thing for me now is to consume medication. 

Prozac or Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant that I am taking. It’s an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor), which functions to lift up my mood. To ease your understanding, go watch a Youtube video of it, you’ll understand better.  

I wish to share my experience with you guys because I think it’ll help those who are trying to understand what depression feels like and plus we can support each other in here. Right? 

What about you? Tell me your story. 

Gila-book review

A book review! Yayyy. 

I accidentally found this book at Popular and I was in a mind battle with myself, screaming  you don’t want to buy this you don’t want to buy this and the next thing I know is, the cashier was smiling to me while giving me a receipt. This book is quite thin and the content was so tempting to read! An issue related with what I had experienced and what Malaysia seems to be lacking of awareness about it. 

Mental Health

Title : Gila (crazy) A Journey Through Moods and Madness

Author : Hanna Alkaf

Plus, 25% rebate on the book!!!! What could be better. 


Basically, the book reveals true short stories of Malaysians with all kinds of mental illnesses. It may be quite a norm to those non-Malaysians, but, the situation in Malaysia now is that we seriously lack mental health awareness. To have a mental problem would be something very shameful, and had to be kept a secret. In reality, I have encountered many parents who are still reluctant to bring their kids to the psychiatrist when they are suspected with ADHD. The stigma is still strong. Although the situation has improved nowadays, with more organizations or movements to help battle with the stigma surrounding mental illness, and we also have a helpline for those who feel suicidal, or just want to talk to someone. 

This book were narrated by Hanna very well, the English used was simple and easy to understand. I enjoy reading it seriously. The short stories gives a peek into what a person with mental illness feels like. That itself is what important for Malaysians. We ignore because we don’t know. Hanna Alkaf unraveled all that, plus, with limited facts, statistics, regarding the issue, to help steer readers into what is happening now. Hanna also provides tips on how to handle, what you should do, and my most favorite of all, a list of mental institution that you could go to get help, by the end of the book. 

I tried to find the book on the Popular Bookstore Malaysia’s website for you but it was not available. Maybe you can find them at MPH etc. A must read! 

Thank you for reading ๐Ÿค“

I can go to events alreadyย 

Hi! Waddup readers ๐Ÿค“ Last Saturday, I attended the ASEAN YOUNG ENTREPRENEUR CARNIVAL 2016 at Matrade, Kuala Lumpur as an invitation from them. Lemme brief you bout the event. #AYEC2016 is a 2 day program, the main purpose is for our young entrepreneurs to network, meet investors, pitch your idea, and all that. It really benefits those who are hungry to build more connections. The 2 day event are divided into 3 parts, 

The first day and second day is The Expo (free for everyone to come) and The Field (have to pay, there are invited speakers from ASEAN countries), the closing ceremony of the second day is The Applause (Have to pay also, award night). This event also gives awards to the selected companies and entrepreneurs! The award night is The Applause. 

I got the all access pass. (Sounds damn cool)  which I get as an invitation ๐Ÿ˜Ž 

Guess what, I came for The Applause only haha. I am really excited for the awards night! I dressed up formally, arrived at Matrade 2 hours early before the night, just to walk around and I got asked if I have my business card. 

Like, I’m 19 and I am here because of an invitation onlyyyy gosh. They’re all grabbing clients aren’t they! 



The whole price for the 2 day event is RM350. This is a seriously a great chance  for youngsters, startups, anyone, with great ideas, and the will, yall need to be here and meet awesome people. To succeed now we are the ones that have to search for opportunities. Be HUNGRY! 

Okay now I’m hungry imma go eat. 

Thank you for reading ๐Ÿ‘ฝ 


1 Malaysia Debt of Billions

It’s amazing how Najib is in total deep shit and there Malaysians still supporting him. That just shows how people don’t read and do research much. All we do is listen to others and go with ones opinion. I can’t believe how we’ve all been lied and manipulated since 2009. This Najib and the 1MDB scandal and corruption is so mindblowing. The story is very long and takes time to understand. But once you finish reading this article, it’ll shed some light and you’ll see Najib as a whole different person. 

Read on 1MDB here ๐Ÿ™‚ Enjoy! Have a coffee or Milo by your side hehe.