As I Walk By 

Psychiatric Clinic

It all started in the early of 2016. Until the last 4 months, I have been prescribed with an antidepressant, Prozac, for a year and a half. What makes me able to get off my medication? Well, I just stopped going to the clinic. This government hospital won’t call or find you if you don’t come for the next appointment, they’re really packed and cannot keep up with everyone. One day, I just felt lazy to get up early for my appointment, and so, I don’t receive my prescribed antidepressants. I kinda let it go. I’m not saying I am no longer depressed, until today, I still am, and there’s still bad days for me, but its definitely getting better. 

I don’t encourage anyone to do what I did. I’m merely sharing with all of you. I can’t really give a solid reason why I stopped getting treatment. Even I can’t explain it to myself. I still struggle coming to school, having a hard time to focus on doing anything, and sleeps too much. Thankfully suicide is no longer on my mind and hopefully it stays that way. In Malaysia, if you commit suicide and failed, you’d be taken up to court, as if you committed a crime. So, I actually have to make sure I die haha! Kidding. As I stood by the sign that leads the way to the Psychiatric Clinic, it all flashed through my eyes. 

I feel all of the emotion. I had forgotten how badly depressed I was, but in that moment, I remember.

 Always feeling that I’m out of my mind, cried too much at night, side effects of Prozac, feeling of helplessness, as if I am locked away in a tunnel with no light at the end, driving to the emergency room, cried everytime I see the doctor, pushed everyone out of my life, and seeing my education, my life, my relationship, destroyed. Others have it worst, I know. I suffered so bad and I can’t imagine how others that have it worst is going through all this. Looking back, I don’t know what to learn from such an experience. My life is still finding its way. 

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Prozac fades away

My usual Saturday routine is going to the gym around 7pm. 

Was working my ass off till 9:30pm and then the last exercise I did was just a short run on the treadmill.

Incline 15, Speed 4

I started feeling empty, and sad. After a while of having depression you kinda know when it suddenly appears. You know that this is not the normal sad anymore. I was in the middle of my workout, and guess what appears?

That feeling.

Prozac helps a lot. I have less of these feelings, but they still do come once in a while, in the least expected time. This does not mean you should not try exercising as a part of therapy! Try, it helps. But for some, it just won’t go away. What a messed up thing isn’t it? All I want to do is just drive far far away, but I  control this overwhelming feeling and forced myself to go home and finish my howework, also read some books. I realized that wow, I really do need Prozac. I trust that for some, depression would and could heal, and hey, I am still working towards that, and hopefully I will. 

And so will you.

I feel like I’m falling down so hard, and crying non stop. God make it go away, if Prozac won’t. 

Hey I’m back

Ayyyyyyyyyy.

I am super duper sorry for being MIA for so long, well, I have been through rough times of my life, my depression came back. 

WTF.

How dare you depression you came back?! I did not invite Mr. D to my party at all ok.  I had it before and I got well, but now I have no idea why I am having depression again, but I consulted my psych and the best thing for me now is to consume medication. 

Prozac or Fluoxetine is an anti-depressant that I am taking. It’s an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor), which functions to lift up my mood. To ease your understanding, go watch a Youtube video of it, you’ll understand better.  

I wish to share my experience with you guys because I think it’ll help those who are trying to understand what depression feels like and plus we can support each other in here. Right? 

What about you? Tell me your story. 

Gila-book review

A book review! Yayyy. 

I accidentally found this book at Popular and I was in a mind battle with myself, screaming  you don’t want to buy this you don’t want to buy this and the next thing I know is, the cashier was smiling to me while giving me a receipt. This book is quite thin and the content was so tempting to read! An issue related with what I had experienced and what Malaysia seems to be lacking of awareness about it. 

Mental Health

Title : Gila (crazy) A Journey Through Moods and Madness

Author : Hanna Alkaf

Plus, 25% rebate on the book!!!! What could be better. 


Basically, the book reveals true short stories of Malaysians with all kinds of mental illnesses. It may be quite a norm to those non-Malaysians, but, the situation in Malaysia now is that we seriously lack mental health awareness. To have a mental problem would be something very shameful, and had to be kept a secret. In reality, I have encountered many parents who are still reluctant to bring their kids to the psychiatrist when they are suspected with ADHD. The stigma is still strong. Although the situation has improved nowadays, with more organizations or movements to help battle with the stigma surrounding mental illness, and we also have a helpline for those who feel suicidal, or just want to talk to someone. 

This book were narrated by Hanna very well, the English used was simple and easy to understand. I enjoy reading it seriously. The short stories gives a peek into what a person with mental illness feels like. That itself is what important for Malaysians. We ignore because we don’t know. Hanna Alkaf unraveled all that, plus, with limited facts, statistics, regarding the issue, to help steer readers into what is happening now. Hanna also provides tips on how to handle, what you should do, and my most favorite of all, a list of mental institution that you could go to get help, by the end of the book. 

I tried to find the book on the Popular Bookstore Malaysia’s website for you but it was not available. Maybe you can find them at MPH etc. A must read! 

Thank you for reading 🤓

Suicide

KLANG-4th OCTOBER 2015, A man committed suicide in a local mall. From the witness who saw the incident happened, the man jumped from the 3rd floor without hesitation.

“Another suicide?! That mall is going to be haunted la!”
“He crazy or what?! Must got mental problem. So scared.”
“So stupid! Why go kill yourself? Problems can be settled.”
Nobody asked why the guy commited suicide. Or what he was thinking at that time, what made him do it, and whether he has a mental problem or not. See, this is what we overlooked. We are so used to thinking that everything is okay, until we never want to admit or accept when something is wrong. Malaysians have a hard time accepting the fact that people can have mental problems. I spoke to lots of parents admitting that they would be ashamed if their child had a mental problem. My teacher shared with me about some of her students, and a nephew had the signs of having a mental problem. We talked about getting their parents to bring their child to the psychiatrist. My teacher said that their parents would never accept the fact that their child might be having a mental problem. Most parents are still in doubt of bringing their child to the psychiatrist for an evaluation.
To Malaysians,
mental problem = gila/crazy
Having mental problems is equal to being in Hospital Bahagia, being abandoned by family members, and not being able to take care of themselves.
What a shame. I pity those who never got the chance to at least recover and learn how to handle their mental health. Especially children, because they are still very young and they have much bigger chance of coping and recovering with whatever mental problems they might have. Why don’t we treat mental problem the same as other diseases? It also links to other health problems too!
Let’s say if Patient E had a breast cancer. The patient would be advised that there is still hope, and not to be sad, and all the encouragements. Why? Because the doctor wouldn’t want the patient to start getting depressed of her health, because that will only worsen her health. Vice versa, mental health could also link you to other health problems. We need to realise this is real, it is happening, it is spreading even worse, in this world. We cannot leave these people behind. We must stand by their side, supporting every ups and downs. We can’t compare other people’s life with ours and the way we handle it. That is unfair. We all live a different life, a different struggle. What’s even worse is getting pushed out and not accepted by our closest ones when we have a mental problem.
REALISE NOW.