Tonight I’m eating pizza and watching Grey’s Anatomy. I love watching Grey’s Anatomy. I watched it religiously since I’m in high school. It’s the movie that makes you want to be somebody. Grey’s Anatomy makes me want to be a doctor. The thrill, the sacrifices, the hardwork, and the joy of making others smile, even when you don’t get the credit.

Tonight I’m watching this and thinking how sad I am, that I can never pursue my dream ever again. A lot happened. I am never a brilliant student. What I do is that I always push myself to do something bigger than myself. I go against me. I have to earn what I want. I struggle with Mathematics while loving Science, convincing myself that I can do it. Then depression hits me and everything falls down. Boom. Now, I’m pursuing law. Deep down, I am still in love with medicine. It hurts so much that I can’t be in love with it anymore. I stopped following all the cool doctors on Instagram, I avoid getting updates about medic on Twitter, I avoid any medical related shits, so that it wouldn’t remind me of my crushed dream. 

I always cannot imagine me not becoming what I always wanted. But that happens today. Sad and depressing yes, and I am still living, still okay.

I hope this journey lands me somewhere I know I have done everything I can that’ll make me satisfied with my life. 

I’m numb.